27 December, 2009
Being an English teacher has its pros and cons!
We’ll keep the pros for some other day...anyways you guys know of them reading about my Teacher’s Day experiences last month. How much can one speak about the adoration one receives anyways? I think it’s foolish to state the obvious! ;)
So let me concentrate on the cons now...
For one I am always checking spellings....
I think it is a mental disorder and maybe such a disease has not yet been detected (I file for copyright issues hereby, in the written!)
When a wrong spelling appears on my screen on Facebook comments or otherwise....a kind of a chill passes through my spine!
And then I have to physically hold me right palm with my left one to stop it from typing the correction in the reply. Needless to say, like our ‘bade buzurgs’ (mind you...that’s ‘buzurgs’ as in elders and not ‘burgers’ as in what we gulp down thanks to Mcdonald’s bhaiyya every weekend!) have said...ant mein jeet hamesha right ke he hote hain...So there, without much that I can do about it, I spread my pearls of wisdom to the defaulter...much to my annoyance and his smug pleasure!
With the result that I am now officially jibed at as the ‘spelling corrector’!
Sometimes I feel my friends test me in game just to ascertain if my resistance powers have been strengthened or finally cultivated!
And like I do with everything else...I just give in to temptation!
But then some cons are quite hilarious actually that need to be shared with the world...
I happen to know a very sweet lady in her early forties...
She is a darling, a complete socialite and a charmer to say the least...the most polite and magnanimous soul that you could have come across...always ready to lend a helping hand and so ready to ask you to lend her your ears for displaying her gift of gab! But, but, but...and by ‘but’ I don’t mean her ‘rear’ side baba...here I would like to give you a peek into her ‘rare’ side!
Her ability to screw up English language with her literal translations!
Statutory warning: With due respect to all those who are not so fortunate to get education at elite convent schools to be able to ramble off English like a pro...this is just in light hearted humour, which she MIGHT also enjoy...but I have no qualms in admitting that I am a ‘Phato Singh’ and wouldn’t dare to let her read this!
Let’s call her Madam X for reference’s sake!
It’s so much fun as well as a torture to converse with Madam X.
‘Fun’ because in almost every sentence she would attempt to bring in her limited knowledge of English to exhibit how “with it” she is!
And ‘torture’ because you have to press your teeth hard so that the jaw does not open in a full spirited laughter or guffaw at the horrendous errors she contrives....
Madam X is angry this day because she and her dhobi are at loggerheads over some petty matter, when a poor soul walks in unaware that she would be witnessing a big bugle...
“Oh my god beta ji, you know this man is arguing and arguing and does not give down (she means give in)...I don’t know which mud he is made of (she means yeh aadmi kiss mitti ka bana hain)!
Madam X is knitting...and the electricity goes off. In a hurried bid to get some light, some of the stitches from her needle slide off....
Poor Madam X...all her efforts of the last half an hour gone down the drain. How does she react?
“Oho bhabhi ji...you know what happened today...I was doing knitting (mind you...not just knitting but doing it also!) And the light went away (not to the market my dear friends...it just went, ok) and my houses were falling in the dark (she meant to say...mere sillaaye ke sab ghar udhar gaye andhere mein...phew!)
Madam X has fractured her leg and is on bed rest, as well wishers pour in to find out how she is doing. A very tall visitor comes in and she tries to hug and give a peck on the cheek to the poor patient as a consolation...But obviously the restraints of space and heights come in between...
Madam X’s response with an innocent grin: “Beta ji...you would have to come down to make love to me...”
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! (She meant the girl would have to bend down to be able to embrace her lovingly)
Thank god the visitor was a girl and thank heavens she knew of her habit or else she would have fainted at the idea of a not so acceptable proposal of ‘making love’ to her aunt!
And at another time...she was expressing her well worded concern for me when she made this rejoinder:
“Beta ji, I have a feeling that you are not feeling too well?”
OMG...my feeling being felt by her...I then felt a feeling that the ‘pulse has something black’...daal mein kuch kaala hain....
OMG again...is this thing bloody infectious because I’ve begun to talk like her!
Madam X’s door has got jammed and try as much with her petite frame to push it open...she fails. So she hollers to the two sturdy young nephews who live on the ground floor to come up and help her open up...the door that is!
They oblige...use their shoulders and then their legs to shove it open, till they finally succeed....
Now in lieu of their services...she had to say something....she would have said something anyways even if they had failed or some other catastrophe may have conspired. So what does she say?
“Beta ji, thank you so much for the kicks...it feels so better now that it is opened!”
Nope...she is not semi pornographic my friend...she is just graphic and brilliantly literal at it!
Madam X goes to a party looking oh-so-page-3 and wanting oh so desperately to sound like one too...
She looks around like a lioness squinting here eyes incisively for a prospective prey and catches a glimpse of me...so I am the target today, huh?
I hear the prophetic words in the backdrop as though some aakashvaani blaring: “Thou shalt not laugh...though shalt not faint...thou shalt just grin and bear!”
She walks up to me, seeing me in jeans and a top for the first time, since she has generally seen me in the traditional salwaar-suit.
And what does she come out with:
“Beta ji, you are looking nice for a change!”
Oh ya aunty ji...you mean the change is looking nice on me or is this the first bloody day of my existence on this planet when I am looking nice!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course I didn’t say anything...I just grinned and bore!
She moved on to her next victim- the host!
“Oh my god bhabhi ji...see what your servant has done...so much water spread on the floor....
You know I was supposed to fall down here...and i saved myself from falling!” (mein shaayad yahan gir jaate aur mein girte girte bache!)
She meant she could have fallen down there...but then like the hundred other things that she supposes...she supposed this one too!
The evening concluded with the meal, as the sweet-tempered host came up to Madam X to ask if she’d take another serving of the dessert:
“Na na bhabhi ji...you know my stomach is full uptil here (she makes a line with her palm on her throat). Wow, her stomach had managed to rise up to her throat! Do we need to call the Guiness or something to inform of a new record being made here?
Boo hoo...we all could have cried for our inability to laugh at such a juncture. But then like always, we just took mental orgasmic pleasures in imagining how her hands and edges of fingers would have also been filled with food...poor soul...tch, tch...and by soul here I mean me!
Errors like these abound in everyday encounters. Although my dear friends, I don’t sit in vain pride to mock at them for each one of us is contrived of some folly. But at the end of the day...it never harms to be able to laugh at ourselves and squeeze out moments of humour that are harmless and not really at anyone’s expense. I still uphold that Madam X is a darling and the centre of attraction wherever she goes. She brings smiles on faces...knowingly or unknowingly and all adore her despite waiting every moment for her to falter...thankfully they all would be also just as willing to catch her before she falls!
Three cheers to Madam X! May she continue to screw up English language...we all are screwing it in our own right anyways!
P.S. Just to add to the screwing mode: I asked a little girl in my class to give me the female gender of a ram (a male sheep)...I was expecting her to say ewe (the female sheep)...but pat came the confident reply... “Ma’m Ram’s female would be Sita!”
Another student who insists that the abstract noun of truth would be truthness and badgers me on why make it full by calling it truthfulness? He invents words like repupulsive which means height of being repulsive...
Yet another was learning spellings when the word “jaunty” appeared...
His way of learning it....ma’m when “J” hooks up with “aunty” it becomes “jaunty”...
Phew! Would you still like to hear more?
20 December, 2009
You have always wanted me to write a love letter to you and so I thought that having travelled so far on the road of togetherness, you deserve one now baby!
Today as I write, I remember the first time we had met!
That bookshop where I first caught you unawares, in that spotless white kurti and chudidaar...the cloth clinging seductively to your curves and just see-through enough to make me visualize the lack of it on your perfect body...Your pink cheeks blushing against the pastel hues of the attire...I remember how your duppatta played flirtingly with your shoulders, as you would place it firmly there but within the next moment, it would bounce down baring a hint of you perfect cleavage...You would shyly pick it up...look around if anyone’s noticed or not...and get back to work on the books...
Your curly black tresses would wantonly spread over your petite back but leaving enough scope to view the milk white skin just before the neck of the kurti took over...A lock would hang beckoningly on your forehead, trapping all men in sight with the urge to come over and run their fingers over your flawless face and put it aside...oh the whiff of it was all grappling! You would pensively bite the edge of your lower lip, touched with a dash of glimmering lipper, as u pondered over in your mind which book to pick up.
I watched it all...with a desire burning within me to pull off that duppatta and to bare those shoulders and be able to snuggle up to your nape! If we could have all we desired, I would have had you right there!
But I had to be cautious....
You didn’t look like the fiercely brazen modern kids...whom I could easily twirl on the tip of my finger...though drowned equally in vulnerability, I could perceive you had a list of do’s and don’ts for lesser mortals like me to qualify, before they could come any closer to feeling that heaving bosom against their own chest! Ah! An aching thought then and even now!
And then what followed is what generally follows when a man meets a woman:
“He’s asking her about her favourite books...listening to her own mush sequences...sharing her perspectives...poking her to give up her guard and defences...he is genuinely smiling....looking at her interestingly...being gentle when she whimpers and defensive when she goes on a guilt trip...he seems perfectly non-physical!
She’s telling him things excitedly...things no one’s ever asked before or bothered to hear...She talks without inhibitions...he compliments lavishly...Was that a pass he made at her? She smiles coyly...the corners of her mouth turn upward in a beautiful giggle instead of going wrinkly in a frown...he takes the clue and gets bolder...She basks in the glory of the triumph of her charm...he in the triumph of yet another trophy....she seems perfectly gullible!
She’s thinking: Finally I get a man who thinks beyond my boobs...
He’s thinking: Finally I get a woman who doesn’t blast me at my passes and this would eventually lead straight to her boobs!”
Yes, so there we were...chatting and laughing...once you innocently, (or was that deliberately) held my hand while you gave into your clear ringing mirth and I felt my blood rushing to my head! You left me wondering baby, how it could be that after being with so many women, I could still feel the adrenalin pumping and my vision groggy when you so much as just touched me! I knew I was driven completely by my libido, but this was a novelty even for me! I sat through your recital of the characters in your big, fat joint family...I heard the irksome details about all the schools you changed...about your aunt who gets “boys” to get you “settled”...And all the while I was looking at those luscious curves of your mouth...feeling how they would feel inside my own...I was thinking of your tongue that was wagging with talks I cared a f@#$ about...I was imagining would it seem as tender when I suck it in with my own...
I was hoping you’d just stop talking and let me enclose that mouth...and let my fingers caress and run all over you before ripping to the core!
But you have been going on and on...and I have been waiting patiently like a hawk, to strike when the iron is hot...bearing my own heat with a smile to conceal my intentions and deceive that all I want is to take you to the sack!
I know you are reading this now and I can sense the lines on your forehead forming sexy cresses of distaste and horror...I know you must have already once flung the paper in an outburst at my revelations of how sexually you turned me on (you still do baby...oh how you still do!) and then picked up the paper again to look for a hint of love! My dear child...what a fool you all are! There’s no such thing as love...it is just an excuse to take unsuspecting souls like you to the first level of the game of lust!
I am writing all this to warn you baby because somewhere I did get touched by your innocence...Or maybe somewhere the man in me feels...if I couldn’t have you, no one else should either! What a waste of all that oomph crammed in your perfect mould...the oozing sensuality that needs expert hands to guide it to the peak! I feel sorry that I couldn’t do you the favour...not that I didn’t try...
It’s been a month now I suppose...I suck at dates...I pretty much “suck” at everything...provided I get an opportunity to it! And it has been a torture to be with you...to have you inches away from me but not being able to feel your breath over my own hungry lips. To see you raise your arms in a joy of abandon, as your torso swings along too and the uprising of your perfect breasts, bring back the almost physical pain deep down within me. I stand behind and watch you bend to pick up things I deliberately scatter on the floor of my pad...it’s a sight to pine in when your curvaceous rear sticks out at me, mockingly for it is beyond my reach...you gave me pleasure even in excruciating pain! I get a glimpse of your flat smooth belly with a mind blasting navel, when your skirt pulls just a wee bit down and the top goes abounding up to the ends of you fullness...and I close my eyes and yearn. You know now why I often made you get up on the stool and pick out the books from the topmost shelves of my little library!
But you have remained elusive and I can’t bear this any longer....
Also another pretty young thing has crossed my way...
She’s armed with the artillery that could make any force go to war or cease fire! I run a finger down her curves and she is ready to crumble into my arms like molten butter at the cue...
She is gentle and succumbing and could turn wild and thumping!
So baby, I give up on you...I can no longer put up the facade of love, being driven hitherto by the thought of rewards of it!
I no longer can bear the idea of you wriggling and taking steps back when I so much as touch the ends of your protruding lips with my finger. I want you from the bottom of my heart and everywhere else...but not forcefully....Oh come on...I am not a brute...wild alrite, but then can’t crush your blooming petals within my eager fingers without your consent, really!
So there my love...
Good bye and god bless...
I hope you now have a fair idea of “man”kind and would be sensible enough to not do or rather do the same mistakes with other knights that traverse your path....
As for me...just remember I am always there, in case the nights get too lonely or you need some connoisseur direction over unchartered territory....After all what are friends for...
Hahaha...I know its evil...but how I am enjoying this!
13 December, 2009
If asked this question in 1987....
(When I was precisely 10 years in age)
My response: Huh? Love...what’s that? Of course I love my mum, pa, grandpa, bro...And the list would have gone on...tch, tch...the Mother Teresa view of love!
If asked in 1995...
(I am all of 18 now...a coy bud waiting to bloom...legally an adult and already having carved my mush sequence in the dream realm)
Me: Hmmm...Love...wow...what happens to the hero n heroine in the movies n they dance around the trees, right? My friends are doing it as a daily ritual....Let me fall soon and tell....
Ask me this in 2000...
(More grown up now...relatively...n stupid cupid has finally stricken)
Me again: Love only happens once...and no way can you love another person when you are hopelessly in love with some ONE...What a sinful bigamous thought! Ram! Ram!
And now...I am all of 32...
Older (I don’t like that word so much...let’s make it more mature, shall we?), wiser, more practical and also kinda been-there-done-that....
The glasses with which love was perceived seem to have changed or maybe the number has increased coz the earlier vision is getting hazier or rather broader!
No more is love about running around trees...holding hands and walking in the moonlight...love is not about fancy gifts or chocolates or roses (ok...it partly still is)
Like a dear friend used to remark...love is not a bloody Yash-Raj flick!
Love is not falling for the cutest girl around or the dude who’s pumped it all into his muscles...love hungers for a beautiful mind!
It is less visible now and more inherent!
I just don’t feel love now...I try to understand it!
Love is less fanatic, less conquering and more settled...less hitting like a bullet and more gradually scattering into the system even without professing...
Love is not staying together constantly; it’s about being connected even outside each other’s radar...
Love is not just a frenzied adrenalin rush (ok again...sometimes it still is)...it is more about the gentle, milder mingling of like minds and bodies may or may not follow....
I know I am still sounding dreamy about it all, right?
But then there is a sense of reality even in the dream here...
Fact to fiction...
Existence to fantasy...
Gawsh I am not making much sense here...
Let me start from where I began...the title...
Can you be in love with more than one person at a time?
Although when I began to understand the term love...I would have flatly and austerely said “no”...being in rank with the moral police who seem to have pre-decided bloody every move and attitude on this planet!
Now...when I am faced with it in ‘real’ life and relate to it...I may say here...why not?
A dear friend of mine had asked me this question and my delay had made me realize the implications of love....
Love is not Heer-Ranjha or Laila-Majnu or Romeo-Juliet...
Love is far beyond what the love stories in books and cinema disseminate....
There’s no ‘someone somewhere’ who’s made for you...
There’s no knight in shining armour who would gallop upon his horse and pick you with an outstretched hand and then trot away to live happily ever after...or a fairy like vision walking down the steps of heaven towards you...
Love is not giving your tan, man n dhan to one and expecting the same from him or her...for life!
Then what is love?
Why think love is only when your body and mind signal that you can’t live without a person?
Hellooooooooo...no one is anyways indispensible...
Even those in the zaniest of love clutches have managed to survive the pangs of separation...
Besides, why do we always have sexual connotation with love?
Who’s to say that if I am sexually attracted to a person is it love or until then it is not love at all?
So if I am very fond of a friend outside the realms of my commitment...I may or may not be physically drawn to him...how can I be so bloody certain that it is or is not love when I feel concerned for him or eager to hear his voice every day?
There are no alarms ringing anywhere that help you decide that you have officially fallen in love!
There would be no palpitation of heartbeats once you get in the comfort zone...heck no mush dreams either...
Then, then, then....
Love is ever changing...
In today’s world more than ever....love happens when two minds click...
And there’s no mandate on clicking just once or copyright issued when once the clicking’s been done...
My dear friend says...you can love one girl for her beauty...another one for her suave manners...a third someone with a sparkling wit may strike you...while a go-getter ambitious hottie may turn you on beyond control...You can’t manipulate your feelings...then why deny them even to or just yourself?
How do you know your deep admiration for a girl who’s devoted to community service and tags you along every time on her marathon is not so deep rooted to term it as affection...since you can’t refuse to go with her even when you really don’t want to?
How would you categorize these feelings?
Which one would you say is love and if that is not...then how’s that different from which you feel for that special someone...throwing aside all the soul mate crap that we’ve been duped to believe in!
In today’s scenario...it’s natural to have loads of friends of the opposite sex...
You love spending time with each one of them...they are all strong forces of attraction...yet not strong enough it seems to compel you from not straying from the orbit....You remain open to the idea of having more friends...and yet take out time for the previous ones!
You can’t become an island...you would meet personalities that repel or interest you...minds that may captivate you because they think similar or completely different!
And yet neither can you feel for them all!
Some associations get that twinge of speciality more than the others...It’s time that we opened our minds to acceptance!
Alrite then...another important aspect here that needs mentioning....
Being in love with more than a person at a time...
Does that mean we can do justice to each relation? Can we possibly be more or less in love with one than the other?
We love our parents don’t we?
Do we love our mother more than our father or less than our spouse and that too in all the situations and at all times?
How much easier it would have been if we had a love gauging machine!
But since there is none...we are answerable only to ourselves...thankfully!
Commitment level can certainly not be ascertained on the yard sticks of how many people there are with whom you are sharing your feelings!
You may be loving all souls around you with the spark that makes them wait for your sunshine and also be loving just one who feels that you are not giving enough!
All a matter of relativity then!
More questions for you here my dear friend...
If you say ‘I love you’ to your girlfriend (I am assuming you are a gal reader or else kindly apply it suitably to your gender) you are deemed to be teeming with love and such a nice soul...
But you would be socially constrained to say the same to a guy friend or run the risk to be termed slutty or with slippery virtues.
Who the bloody f@#$ has demarcated these lines?
And why the bloody f@#$ do we follow them blindly?
I don’t know if I have managed to state something worthwhile here or raised moral questions against my own sensibilities...
Just want to conclude...
Love is fun...So enjoy it however you can...for nothing calms our wandering souls more than the gentle sweeps of love!
Love is not serious...let’s not take it too seriously!
Have a LOVEly life, my friends!
P.S. A friend recently commented...The phrase ‘I love you’ is overused and overrated...maybe ‘you’ll do’ is better!
;)Just a thought!
08 December, 2009
Alrity...for all those who were born here late...I am not enumerating my fetish for four legged croaky creatures...
I am just naturally assuming the character of a self proclaimed princess who went through the process of self display and mind churning encounters before she could land upon her prince charming...well, not literally ‘land-land’ for then my poor beloved would have been crushed before he could have had a chance to bloom...
In Part 1 of this hopefully two-part trial...I explained how the pear lump rejected me...
Lemme tell here now about a Delhi ke munda for whom I travelled again 440 kilometres in the hope of meeting my Raj, Rahul or Prem (you have to understand that Dilwaale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge had just released then...and all maidens worth their virginity...oops mettle...were dreaming of bumping into their Raj’s in some khet with a mandolin in hand...even a dumroo would have done...as long as he stretched his arms and did “aaaye...senorita” style! And they would run to him in slow motion with hair going left and right, up and down and a starched stark white duppatta lehrao-ing in the wind...running n running...till....they don’t run into his open arms but get a pat on their heads with a thick book, delivered just in time by their moms to remind them to straighten the upside down notebook and study). Gawsh...pardon me my dear readers for this digression....
Where the f@#$ were we or rather was I?
Acha...the Dilli ka munda...
So the mediators were the same...Le Meridian was declared inauspicious and a humbler abode...in this case a coffee house in Connaught Place was selected as the meeting point.
Same my father, same my mother, same brother n same little miss me...
The same salwaar suit...coz it had been barely a fortnight and such repetitions seemed reasonable!
I was so tempted to voice my opinion...Can’t we see them all in one go, in a day and get over with this? And by now you know that the world’s been saved big time because I’ve chosen to shut my gap at the strategically right moments. So needless to say...I decided to shut the f@#$ up and oblige!
Plus then I was getting a chance to come to Delhi and a whole lot of fuss was being created around me...which not surprisingly I always enjoy to the core!
But this time mediator aunty ji decided to intervene...
“Pinky bhabhi ji (that’s my mom...I know PINKY?????????? But that’s how or rather who she has been and that’s how my brother and I have lived with it....thank god they didn’t call me Rosy...despite the obvious similarities)
So.... “Pinky bhabhi ji...this suit...please don’t mind...but it’s screaming so UP!” (that’s not UP-market mind you...or raised Upper expectations....UP here stand for apna Uttar Pradesh...I could sense how she was aching to say it was “Kanpuriya” implying simple (phuleassssssss not Kanpuriya implying flashy). But then she must have thought that a state reference may be less or rather more affronting than a city one)
Oho somebody please stop me from bloody digressing!
Phew! Focus Suruchi, focus!
Anyways... “So bhabhi ji...I was thinking that since the last munda thought this was very simple...let’s go shopping for some new clothes”. “Oh ya aunty ji”, that’s me, by the way “What do you have in mind...a sexy halter top to match a-flirting-with-the-knees skirt?”
“Na na beta ji...it must be conservative still...but maybe a little more stylish salwaar suit...these metro boys, you know!”
So there....after that began a new torture as I might have tried around 50 salwaar suits to find the right one...as bad as kissing the frogs I’d say....coz when we came out of the stores we had purchased just two of them. So much for the bloody ratio 2:50...damn such statistics. Actually most of them didn’t have my size...thanks to my hereditary big butt where they’d usually get stuck...and then there were other classifications of rejections based on colour, creed n kind...whoever said racial discrimination does not exist...must empathize with the poor breeds of clothes that are mercilessly discarded just because a stupid tailor put orange buttons on a shocking pink outfit or decided to get spade n diamond shaped cuts on the edges of a suit.
Hey bhagwaan...why did you make the side tracks so bloody tempting for my vulnerable resistances?
So cut to the scene....
This Delhi munda comes with his mother and father...he has a sister too, married away somewhere in the country, not exposed to us yet till the discussions n deliberations reach the next level. Yup...SAARC summits beware...this was more controversial, confidential n crucial than all your damned meets put together!
The munda was again not very tall...wore spectacles and had a moustache adorning his almond shaped head. Mind you I said adorning as in actually a decorative piece...not in the least must you confuse it with another adjective “adorable”. Did I just feel that his hands were trembling or was he just fidgety or worse still an early Alzheimer’s case? He was bloody nervous alrite!
My modus operandi this time around had been altered keeping in mind the previous disaster!
“Beta ji...please don’t be quiet this time...speak something...we don’t want the munda to feel you are dumb...alright?” Show him that you are not a simple small towner...okkkkkkkk?”
And when someone tells me to show something....I often go all the way...Please don’t get ideas...what I mean is I go all the way to deliver what is demanded.
So again we-the proposed ‘couple in question’ were told to go and take a walk...
By now I was more relaxed in my skin...being one boy-seeing- ceremony down...but I think that was the virgin attempt of the poor boy, this time around. And this time around, as was decided, I yakked my guts outs...I had to show him Kanpur gals can be hip n happening too...I spoke n he fidgeted...I blabbered and he became more nervous...I used my hands and expressions till he almost became expressionless....
And after the rest of the nitty gritties...
What are my hobbies...what do I like to do...how much and what I have studied...part 2 ordeal also got over! Phew!
Result time: 2 hours later
Verdict: F again...not the f@#$ yaar...big Fail...
Reason: “The gal is too bold for our seedha saadha munda”
Ji, ji...NOW is the F-time beta....WHAT THE BLOODY F@#$!
Needless to say my counsellors sucked!
And when a kingdom has courtiers like that...you can be sure of its doom...I had almost resigned to the fact that probably I would die a frustrated spinster if I followed my so-called well wishers.
But a drowning (wo)man catches at every straw....
I continued to kiss the frogs and feel my mouth turn bitter with every kiss and tell episode...thankfully most continued to be rejected at the sorting table only!
The third munda came along from Pune...
Tall, handsome, some odd 8-10 years older to me...and a Casanova in his hay days...knew it as we knew him through family friends...
This time I thought to take matters in my hands...
And just coz I was rejected two times for no fault of mine...I rejected the poor fellow for no fault of his! Come on...I was 19 then...and entitled to show little traces of dumbness that have blown up with age in my case! Actually I getting to voice my opinion here was anyways a sham as the family had already decided upon disregarding the proposal due to too wide an age gap!
Confession time: His suave manners made me a bit insecure...he was perhaps too good for me...so I backed out! Sigh! Sigh!
Then I remember another cute hottie I was being fixed up with, belonging to my own town...This guy came with almost his whole pind to my school where I was teaching (after passing out from there just a year before) and broke all laws of subtlety...as the news spread like wild fire that someone’s come to “dekho” Suruchi ma’m! He was having a smouldering affair at that time which the whole town knew of, except of course my beloved parents. Besides I knew he’d prove to be too much of a dish to be handled after marriage so that he’s not man handled by the fairer sex in the long run. So though there was a lot of hungama around this one...and everyone thought is baar to sangam hoga he...I kept mum and waited for the next grand rejection. Why rub your fingers in mud when someone else was eager to do the dirty job for you? And so the rejection came and went! We all lived happily ever after for a while!
Finally the fifth time proved lucky as my prince charming managed to find me and released me from this frog kissing spree before it would have become addictive and I might have decided to continue it for a couple of years! More on the drama there for some other time!
Enough for now...all’s well that ends well!
And in my case...by god’s grace...the ends have justified the means...no gains without pains!
And what an awesome gain it has been!
Sorry frogs...another time in another life!
29 November, 2009
Hi! Let me share with you my dearies the story of how I landed up where I am today...Alrity, hold those horses...I am not recounting any horny, cheesy, porny story of how I got on “top” of things...
I would like to share with you how many frogs I had to kiss before I could land on my prince charming...indeed again, without any kisses or doing so literally!
As soon as I had entered my athaarva saawan...bole to I had barely bidden good bye to my teens that my parents created a huge circus around me. I was yet to decipher what I had done to generate such a furore, and simply watched with dazed eyes how virtually a boy- finding establishment cropped up around me....flourishing and seething with activity as though it had been under operation from years. Hmm...Maybe like when I was born, the foundation of this co-operative society had been laid...I call it a co-operative because the motto was “Saathi haath badhana...ek akela thak jaayega, mil kar ladke chaatna...”
So every day and everywhere I went...I felt like a Thai sex doll on display, not because I was flaunting my body parts, but because of the curiosity I was breeding. People would scrutinize me from head to toe...ask me what I was doing...or what were my interests...or what had I thought of my future...and I smiled through this Punjabi torture of their mental maths of balancing my equation with any ‘changa munda’ they knew of.
Hey now that I think of it...not bad yaar...I must have been like the most eligible spinster of my town because practically everyone I knew was on a task of finding me a groom.
So after much grinding, elimination, horoscope matching, family investigation, discussion committee proposals (told u it is a bloody full blown set up of the highest order) I would be “shown” to the guy in question.
Scene 1-My virgin experience:
I was taken to Delhi because my papa ke mama ke bahu ke chacha ke saale ka ladka seems to have fit the bill. Phew! Thank god I didn’t get married there...I would have had to learn that relationship string to recite it with professional accuracy every time, to appear how blissfully glad I were about it! Anyways, he and his sister were flying down from Mumbai for a day...just for me! Whoa...thank you for adding the pressures on the already scared to death nineteen year old “kuan ke maindhak”...that was me! Just fresh out of school and up on display in the nuptials domain...with no clue really about anything!
A new salwaar-suit I wore...which was supposed to be decent and nice, bought from a big store of my not so big-small town. Rushed to Delhi...bathed, powdered a bit, my hair combed for the umpteenth time and me told to smile n look down in shyness for bloody umpteenth to the power of 100 times. Meeting point: The Le Meridian- a five star hotel of the capital...target area: the coffee shop!
And after a wait of about half an hour...fashionably late I guess (the boy shouldn’t seem to eager n desperate...@!#$$%) we watched with baited breathe as a five feet five inches something walked in with a five feet seven inches something. The 5.5er was the boy in question...Didn’t you guys tell this “god’s gift to women” (I swear as he trotted with his plump legs forward and I could hear this tag with each bloody step he took towards us) that I am 5 feet 5 inches myself? He was short, plump...okies pleasantly plump...cause so was moi...and superbly obnoxious with his attitude of a Mumbai-ite looking for a simple homely small towner....
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh...why didn’t I scream then...I am still wondering n so doing it here n now!
So we settled in and the formalities passed around. I saw my parents fawning for the first time ever and the guests basking in that glory. The sister, straight out of a page 3 circuit...I must say was extremely pleasant, sophisticated and demure.... ‘Where did she pick up her repellent brother from?’ Was a thought I was so tempted to ask but thank god for prudence and timely silence...
The menu cards were handed down and I could hear the “order something betaji” being crooned from all corners by my parents n maamas and the mediators to our venerable guests...
“Aunty ji” said the pear lump...oops sorry the pear shaped boy... “Do you mind if I take Suruchi for a walk and maybe we get to talk a little?”
“Of course not beta ji...you must know each other better. But first please have something...errr...coffee, tea or maybe some drink-shrink?” My mom here trying to gauge if the munda has any “bad” habits...Does he drink, smoke or womanize would all be fathomed by his next answer? “No aunty ji...I don’t take drinks regularly and definitely not in the afternoons...I’d order a cappuccino”
Phew! Thank god the boy’s side didn’t hear the loud sighs of relief from my camp or realize that he had already passed one litmus test that should take him to the next level of suitability...never mind if he looked like he’s not slept since he was born. So we peeped into the menu card...for I had yet to discover what the fuck was a cappuccino...I was hoping it would have something to do with Chinese food...coz at 19 Maggie n Chinese were my dream come true...I guess often they still are!
Bloody Rs. 350 for a cup of coffee...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This cappuccino must be like elixir and it better taste as one coz I heard my mom blurting... “Alright then...waiter...cappuccinos for everyone...” Helloooo mom...I want a cold coffee with dollops of ice cream, dripping with smooth chocolate sauce n loads of nuts, garnished my wafer and chocolate bits that I can savour with a lick of my lips and some orgasmic pleasure on one side of the table....
But mums can be pretty unreasonable at times...and this was one of those golden moments when I knew I better not open my mouth to make my ‘outstanding’ suggestions.
The cappuccinos arrived just in time to rescue us from a long recital of how he was making millions maybe with every move he made...not on the tread mill of course...!
Hmmm...The smug reactions of my camp...could almost see a thought bubble over their heads that said “Hamare beti to yahan raaj karege!” Another thought bubble over the boy’s head that said, “Oh I am so smart...oh I am so sexy...oh I am so super-duper good...n oh, oh...” Would someone give me a needle to prick some of his bubbles coz they were reproducing by the minute!
The cappuccino as expected tasted bitter and horrible...why torture your system with something so distasteful...yup, I am still talking of the coffee n not the guy! And we were finally told to walk about the lobby and check out the shops...yippieeeeeee....would he make me shop...hehe...high hopes we all have when we are 19!
And so we walked and talked!
To think I made him ‘move’ his legs for a change...he should have fallen down on his knees and thanked his lucky stars for me!
And then began a volley of bizarre questions...
I was briefed earlier about the agenda and my modus operandi at such a crucial juncture....
“Talk less...just answer....don’t ask too many questions...and smile”
So I guess I did all the above four steps at the same time and looked like a jack ass of the highest order!
I smiled non stop...hey I couldn’t help it really...the guy was actually funny...ROFLMAO funny yaar!
I answered mostly in mono syllables, didn’t ask him much...not that he shut his gap for a reasonable amount of time to allow me to do that! I remember however something insane he asked me....
“Hey, have you watched this latest movie...errr....English movie...I don’t watch Hindi movies, you see- ‘Austin Powers, the spy who shagged me’? So what do you think about it?”
Hmm...A million dollar question that was...It was to seal my fate with this guy...it would tell how happening or otherwise I was...it was to tell what my views were on the “shagging” bit and despite my limited knowledge...I knew “shag” was not such a good word...
So I thought and thought n thought n said...
“No I haven’t...what do you think about it?” Pretty safe I thought...put the balls in his court...heavens knew he needed some!
And there began another round of “blah, blah, blah n me, me, and me” till he finally suggested...“Let’s go back to the coffee shop...they must be wondering.” I gave him a smile that almost screamed, “I thought you would never ask!”
Ya, ‘wondering’ if I am still alive or choked to death by the moron with curly hair...on his head of course...small squintish eyes...ugly teeth and bloated with himself like a fluffed winged pigeon!
Also wondering if he decided to take me to a hotel room instead to check me out even better;)
I returned back to sanity and final pleasantries were exchanged and good bye time came about...My father paid several crisp thousand rupee notes and we all extended the plastic smiles to their full bloom one last time before we’d all get out of one another’s sight and relax those over-taxed jaws. “We’ll let you know aunty ji over the phone as soon as I reach home and ask Munna about this” said the sissy...not the boy yaar...the boy was munna or monu or baba...whateverrrrrrrr...it was his sister who spoke before they whisked past in their Mercedes!
Precisely four hours later the phone rang...imagine the scene like they show in the Hindi movies...a child has been kidnapped and the kidnappers are going to call to tell about the ransom and the meeting spot...So everyone in the room is in nervous anticipation...you could almost see some beads of sweat trickling down...the ring brings in a close up of each face with a dramatic background sound...as one man rises with suspense to pick up the receiver...and slowly says “hello”...hehe...aisa he kuch hua tab bhi!
And I was rejected!
I didn’t laugh then, so I am kinda making up for it now...
And the cherry on the cake...
His reasons for citing the refusal....
“She’s too simple and shy, doesn’t talk much, just smiles and didn’t even ask me anything....”
Bloody hell....so much for my trustworthy counsellors misguiding me....actually thank god for them...bless you guys! Well done!
So we packed our boriya bistar and headed back home!
I failed in my virginal attempt...I wanted to tell my parents that it’s ok...I am just one boy down...hehe...not how you think...god bless your dirty mind too...but then like always... I just shut up and enjoyed the moment of me having escaped the idea of having to live with the pear lump....I hope you are happy somewhere and flourishing even more...one last nice word for you coz I have been kinda mean here with you: I miss your millions darling but not you...!
(P.S. For more updates on my dear frogs....watch this space for a sequel....this post has run too long!)
14 November, 2009
(The subject matter here has adulterous content...viewer’s discretion is solicited...Yup, we know that the author is also an English teacher...but please bear in my mind this does not raise a finger at her teaching n imparting skills or put her own grey matter into dubious slotting. This perhaps would be one of her many alter egos at work...or rather at play! Please note: this was not what she was telling her students while explaining the actual meaning of proverbs...this was what was silently going on in her own devilish mind while they slogged on the path of her enlightment!)
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy:
Unless the work or kaam is like kaama (sutra) and the ‘fore’ is attached to ‘play’... be sure Jack would never have a dull day!
Every dog has his day:
And considering the fact that it’s said all men are dogs...there can only be one way to make him ‘have’ or ‘eat’ his day and way...give him a mouthful and.....wait for life to not act like a bitch and give you one too...your day that is! Waise did you hear that one...just when you realize that life is a bitch...she also gives you puppies!
First come, first served:
But if the service is poor at the virginal attempt...can we “come” again?;)
All’s well that ends well:
Yup, when you reach the mind blasting climax then all anti climatic journeys are forgotten!
An idle brain is the devil’s workshop:
And then an idle body? –the devil’s “go-down”...
Once bitten, twice shy:
Hmm...this one’s weird...coz once you get the taste of a love bite...mmmm...my oh my...just screw being shy!
A bird in hand is worth two in a bush:
Makes sense...the two in the bush would already be super engrossed n indulged, at least the “chick” “in hand” sounds more use-able;)
A stitch in time saves nine:
But just imagine if the right stitch fell apart at the right moment from the right place of the right voluptuous body...it would buy her guaranteed nine..................followers wanting an encore!
So some stitches should not be saved but left alone to be unravelled!
A fool and his money are soon parted:
Should be and could be...though one question...parting money seems technically possible, but how do you part a fool in two...ouch, that must hurt!
As you sow, so shall you reap:
Ya, screw a Negro and don’t expect a white child!
God helps those who help themselves:
So there’s hope for all those who are helping themselves...there is a god and someone, somewhere is made for you...to screw too!
Absence makes the heart go fonder:
Ya right again...fonder of the gal next door for sure!
A thing well begun is half done:
Ahem, ahem...begun to theek hain...but don’t leave it half done yaar...’well’ or no well...mission should be accomplished...killa ko fateh karna zaroor...otherwise that should hurt again!
Beggars must not be choosers:
Oh ya, when you are begging...you don’t dare to choose...just grab...kya pata kal woh bhi ho na ho!
Actions speak louder than words:
But I guess exceptions exist...when you hear their “yes, yes, yes” louder than the banging action at the next door!
Necessity is the mother of invention:
Makes you wonder whom ‘necessity’ screwed to end up with something so new as invention...should we ask the ‘father’ of the nation? But then they confuse again by saying familiarity breeds contempt...would words please stop f***ing themselves and our directions?
A drowning man will catch at the straw:
Well...wtf would he do with the straw now if he is already indulging and drowning in pleasure...suck the liquid out of his surroundings to save himself? For once please don’t intend the pun here!
Rather let him gobble hic and gulp it all down!
Barking dogs seldom bite:
Means never trust someone who makes tall claims to fame in the sack of course...try, test and then seal it...not literally! Instead of a bite, they might just generally purr or lick and be done before the kick!
Do not put all your eggs in one basket:
Why put your eggs in the basket in the first place? Let them reach out to where they truly belong...to those wriggly wobbly thingies and create life again!
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise:
And also makes his wife run away with other guys...
So he is left alone to screw his health, wealth and wisdom!
Easier said than done:
I guess they are talking of the 69th commandment!
Empty vessels make the most sound:
Acha? I thought it was my horny boy next door...with his gals galore! Anyways, next time don’t do it in a vessel or keep the mouth appropriately shut!
Example is better than precept:
Sometimes practical risks go a long way in bringing home the subject than just ogling at it!
Great minds think alike:
Take them to bed and there’d be no thinking at all...great minds do alike too!
If the mountain will not go to Mohammad, Mohammad must go to the mountain:
Well, how does it matter who goes to whom, as long as we all “come”!
If wishes were horses, beggars might ride:
Hadh hain...if wishes were horses, beggars would still just wanna ride???????????? Come on, come on, and come on...hey I am just suggesting a phrase they use on the horse while riding it!
When in Rome do as the Romans do:
Just do it, do it to me baby, do and done, been there done that...whatever...never harms to do it in their way...but show us the way first ;)
It’s no use crying over spilt milk:
Yup, better to clean up the spilt stuff and leave no trace of it ever done! And if you need to shed anything honey...let them be tears of joy and shedding of inhibitions! Use the spilt make to conjure up something nutritious...arrey baba, this is seriously just a health tip-no puns intended!
Jack of all trades master of none:
Well, well did anyone ever tell you that an all trader is a first grader with women...what would you do with being a master of a nun anyways?
Uff...this was my crappiest best!
Sorry for wasting your time on this one...
Off on a mini vacation...would rejuvenate, experiment, indulge...in thoughts of course and return with more....sense hopefully!
08 November, 2009
Face book has brought about a revolution of kinds, as it provides to a user a plethora of opportunities for his physical, moral, emotional and spiritual development...
Acha zyaada ho gaya....
No development really but then loads of fun!
So anybody who is a ‘somebody’ must be on Face book!
It’s a child’s play to sign and log in, so you can get there...but like you get into the world easily but from there onwards, you’ve got to prove your worth...same is the case here! And once you from a part of a clan, there comes the need to classify and justify your existence! This post is in reference to a CNN article that I brushed through, thanks to a dear friend and he asked me for my take! Hence this sarcastic view of this social networking site, that I am an avid fan of!
(A)THE ADDICTED FACE BOOKER:
This qualifies to be tackled first because being on Fb and being addicted is almost synonymous. This category it seems was virtually born on the net and their parents may have been some kind of world web virus...for these folks are always online at any moment of time in the day! However for complete comprehension, we would have to break down the trunk into many branches extending further. You may have one or an amalgamation of almost all these variations.
THE STATUS UPDATER:
These specimens update status every two hours or even before, if enough mileage has been extracted already. So you know if they’ve brushed their teeth, taken a shower, caught on to the elevator or taken the stairs. They reach office at what time or if they are stuck in the jam...or if they are looking at the walls or feeling sleepy....zzzzzzzzz...(Tell me about it!).
It’s a great pleasure to take a peek into a friend’s life who puts it up wittily enough in this short space...but otherwise it often borders onto the territory of spam.
And funnily enough they have a line of equally vella fan following that would jump on the band wagon to comment suitably or just as dumbly on the by-the-minute happenings!
Their status would range from sympathy cries “...is very unhappy...”
To fishing for compliments “...is 99% an angel...” to declaring the news “...says Michael Jackson is dead...” to creating dumb mysteries inviting pokes “...is feeling...” You’ll get lyrics of songs from them to copied messages from mobile networks...some of them are as long as an essay in itself!
This lad or lass has just one aim in life...let my presence be felt on every post appearing on my news feed...let me be in circulation to emphasize my existence...let me drench the world with my wit that must suitably sparkle at all and sundry. So you find a comment by him on everything possible happening on his screen and unfortunately also on yours!
THE REPARTEE EXPERTS:
These move in a step further and create a conversation of sorts on their status updates and posts. One-liners are thrown off as volleys at one another while their rest of the world sits through the string of some 80-100 comments whereby the users exchange from...Hello! How are you? What were you doing just now...to the more sensible assertive like virtually starting up a debate! It’s as though no distance of time or space exists in between and the twosome, threesome and many-somes, who get cosy on the on-screen discussion! Sometimes even world- saving treatise occurs here, so we better silent the mockery horses.
THE PHOTO UPLOADER:
These people are addicted to uploading pictures of all possible positions (ahem! Ahem!), situations and incidental occurrences in their lives. So on display would be...the new hair cut, the visit to the grocery store, the night out, the puke glory of a hangover and the groggy look of the morning there after...The family album that include also Ramu kaka, their pet, the friendly neighbour with a grin or the not so friendly one with anger on the brim. You view not just what they ate during the holiday but also where they took it all out after the bowel movements became unbearable!
THE GAMBLING GAMER:
The mafia wars, the Farmville, the poker mania, the fish aquariums, and the scrabble word games...to think that these specimens have reached their virtual childhood! They bog you with gifts for your farm despite your repeated pleas that you are not a farmer or you are a Gandhi follower in non-violence. Fb notifies you that ‘congratulations, so and so won a round with the help of your mafia sword’....Whoa! When did I send that? But before you rejoice at the prospect of being paid in cash for your assistance, in return another equally insane gift of a mafia nut or screw would pop up on your screen by these game buggers. Hellooooo! This is a communication website...try playing other kind of games here for a change!
THE INFINITE ADDENDUM SENDER:
Hereby you receive a morning cuppa coffee, to a bouquet of daisies, to big bear hugs to kinky accessories to wise sayings to a diamond necklace...anything and everything is available on the shelf to gift and send for no one’s screwing or suing you for lack of actual receptions! You are the virtual king and a millionaire of this make belief world. So don’t be surprised if someone named an island after you or board a helicopter to go looking for it by the map! As if that’s not all...they’d send you the dumbest of quizzes ever...How sexy is your name? How potent is your sex appeal? When will you die? (Waise my result mentioned I would die on 23rd July 2009...so beware I am the friendly neighbourhood ghost at play here) What aura are you? Or even that your friend “bought” you in $100....yup, you can just raise your eyebrow in disdain of how low your worth was gauged or giggle back and buy the friend in just $50!
THE SELF PATRON:
Aaaaaaaah...this guy or gal has the best of reports going for him. The quizzes show...he is 99% loveable...she’s the social butterfly of whom people can’t get enough of...he’s chocolaty dipped sweet...she’s god’s gift to mankind...he’s 85% intelligent and 86% sensitive...
Even their dumb naughty cookies, mirror analysis or Anita’s predictions there proclaim to all and sundry...honey, you attract like a magnet...Is it hot here or is it you? ...You will charm the wit with your infinite beauty...ya, ya, ya...why not?
Hehe...I think they keep clicking onto “publish another” tab till they come across a self promoting backer. They’d let the world know how many hugs, smiles, hearts, love they receive each day...or what a splendid message they have derived from “god”!
If the world should not acknowledge our genius...we might as well force it down their throat!
(B) THE SLY STALKING FACE BOOKER:
This guy would rarely or never appear on your news feed...below his dignity to upload a status or a picture or to let know the 333 friends on his friends list about what’s happening in his life. But meet him at a social do and he’d be the loudest to point out to you in a crowd....
“You are the face book king/queen...always online kya? Aap to chaaye hue hain Face book pe...I daily see updates from you...where do you get time for so much indulgence?” Now WTF...! Will someone please remind this jerk that I take out time just in the same way as he does “daily” to check out what I am up to. He may not be commenting on your activities but mind you he knows it all. He’s the silent lurker...the hidden stalker...and the dumb schmuck who derives some insane pleasure in making you feel how down market you are to be so net addicted...Oh so propah, huh? Whateveeeeer...!
(C) THE ONCE IN A VERY BLUE MOON FACE BOOKER:
Hmm...This variety comes online once in a trillion years as though obliging the lesser mortals with their virtual presence or ensuring that Fb won’t spam their account if they don’t. So if you had sent them a message or post asking even a world-saving query, you receive a reply some light years later that would make you boggle and scratch your hair to try and fathom what in God’s name had you asked in the bloody first place.
(D) THE INBOX FETISH:
This guy wants all communication solely on or through the inbox. He wants to be a part of your life but feels indignant at the idea of the world knowing about it. Makes you wonder sometimes what’s wrong with him or worse what’s so horribly incorrect about you to lead to such a hypothesis. So there just might be a thread of 300-400 messages in your inbox...but whoosh is the word if you try and bring them on your wall!
Other lesser known categories would be:
THE POKER: Keeps poking you every time you open the page...the motive is perhaps to make you retired hurt or succumb to the injuries attained thereby.
THE SOCIAL CAUSES SENDER: He truly believes that he can change the world by assembling enough support to his causes.
THE NOTE MAKER: A writer unleashed or simply a hopeless case of copy and paste...but do take note of him please or he’ll make it a note to notify you always!
THE LINK SENDER: To think his parents were some kind of chains and he wants the world to be connected link by link till it goes yard by yard!
THE PHOTO OF THE DAY/ FRIEND OF THE DAY/ ENEMY OF THE DAY....THE DAY LIVER: This is perhaps what’s called “Ek din ka raja”.
THE BAD GRAMMARIAN BUT REFUSING TO GIVE UP: Phuleezeee spare us the comments where we need to decode what’s supposed to be written in English grammar or English spellings...like: fakt of lyf- r bodys ful of watr bt wen it hurts blud oozes out. n r hearts r ful of blud bt wen it hurts watr kums out frm r eyes!!!! Lyfs 2 hectic
You bet it is...when u need to unscramble all of this!
THE CHEAP-THRILL-ONE-TRACK MINDER: I know that would be me, so the less said here, the better!
THE GROUP JOINER: He’s a fan of everything...from McD’s burger to Gucci shoes...from raste ke chaat to Dilli haat...from the latest song to ‘dude, do you have an extra pen?’...from getting up late in the mornings to partying late at night...the fan clubs galore!
This has gone long enough... and if you are still reading this...Hey can I join your fan club?
But pardon me now fellas...I must stop here to add this as a note on my face book profile (it’s been almost an hour since I did anything up there...they must be wondering if I am still alive!). So I need to update my little world of 250 friends that they must read it along with uploading a suitable picture of me there to lure in some 80-100 comments and bask in its glory eventually....
Who the bloody hell still says I am addicted to Face book?
05 November, 2009
Some dialogues achieve legendary status...
They are repeatedly used and abused to highlight the drama that people and situations are capable of. I have been universally acclaimed as the ‘Drama Queen’, ‘Madam Nautanki’, etc., by my so-called friends and acquaintances and I try all in my powers to maintain and fulfil the expectations...haan jab tak hain jaan lalalalalaaa jaane jahan dramaaa karoongi types!
What is life yaar without a little natakiye spectacle anyways! Like a dear friend of mine asks... ‘Aap kabhi normal bhi rehte hain ya yeh hi aapka so-not-normal self hain?’ Now what do you answer to that! So here are some lines that I love to croon and torture the world with, when I am not taken seriously and these lines ensure that it does not stir the fabric of this recognition status.
1. “Hey bhagwaan....yeh sab sun ne se pehle mujhe utha kyon nahi liya”
This is my eternal favourite. I am guilty of using it almost on a daily basis and before you so much as blink an eye lid I may have improvised it, to rise to the occasion. Romance at short notice is my speciality! Kabhi kabhi some dumb asses maroo retorts back like... “Uthaya nahi kyonki tere ko uthaane ke liye crane bulaana padega” to which I just say “veryyyy funnyyyy” and go about my way!
Like say a photograph in which my dear beloved is cosily posing with a female friend.... “Hey bhagwaan, yeh sab dikhaane se pehle yeh friend ko kyon nahi utha liya”...or someone unflatteringly fails to make a right pass during a chat... “Hey bhagwaan, yeh sab sunwane se pehle aapka laptop kyon nahi conk off ho gaya....”
See practical thinking at its very best. Ab why should I ask bhagwaan to pick ME up only all the time, when I can get away with the actual pain in the ass, with the same pleading?
And ‘hey’ bolte he bhagwaan ji, would actually oblige!
2. "Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hain"
Mere to dil mein hamesha he khayaal aate rehte hain yaar and it’s best not asked kiss kiss tarah ke khayaal coz they are kiss worthy actually...but just not so kissable by all!
Like this is my favourite when I plan to get on to the nerves of my beloved:
Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hain....
Ya mein aur mere tanhaaye aksar yeh baatein karte hain...
Ke agar abhi aap hote to kaisa hota...
Aap is baat pe mujhe tokte aur mein ushe baat ko nazar andaaz karte....
Aap is baat pe mujh se argue karte, mein us baat pe aapko ignore karte...hehe...
Improvise baby...that’s the name of the game!
3. “Kutte kaminey...tumhare ghar mein ma-bahen nahi hain kya”
And if it’s a gal (thanks to section 377, we now have best of both worlds accessible) it is equally mouth-able to ask: tumhaare ghar mein baap-bhai nahi hain kya...
And if by chance this mother of all dumb query is made to me...I simply retort back...
“Hain na...bas aapke he kami hain...chalta kya?”;)
Arrey kutte kaminey se ek aur yaad aaya:
“Kuttey kamine mein tera khoon pe jaaonga”
Tch, tch...kyon bhai...aap Dracula ho? Itne he pyaas lagi hain to kuch dhang ka peyo na jaa ke...kya khoon-shoon pe rahe ho...Woh to waise he peeto ho saara din, straw laga laga ke...and bheja saath mein chaat ke;)
Aur ‘tumhare’ se ek aur yaad aaya...abhi abhi:
“Mein tumhaare bachche ke ma banane waalen hoon”
What crap yaar...which wife says like that to her husband? Would make even the husband doubt if he lawfully married this girl or is a bastard on his way! This is best used when someone tries to get very comfy with you...just turn around and say... “Agar aap aise he karte rahe to mujhe majboorab sab ko yeh bataana he padega ke mein tumhaare bachche ke ma banana waale hoon”....and hope to dear god that he is not a quick wit to answer back n whoosh...just disappear!
4. “Mujhe chodh do....bhagwaan ke liye mujhe chodh do...mein tumhaare pao padte hoon...meine tumhaara kya bigaada hain?”
Now, now...there are some serious faults with this one, evoking the million dollar question: what the bloody hell was the dialogue writer thinking while coining this one!
* ‘Mujhe chodh do’...matlab it’s ok to hear it as a phrase strung together....but just imagine....haan,haan...just suppose the lady had to write a letter instead asking her to be left alone? Then she must specify that chodh here means leave...otherwise technical locha ho sakta hain na beedu...
* Then ‘bhagwaan ke liye chodhne’ ka kya fayda...He is neither seen nor felt...then leaving oneself for Him makes a rather longish wait for unguaranteed fulfilment...what say?
* N darling agar paon mein giroge to physical contact hoga...physical contact hoga to sexual tension aur badhege...n agar aur badhe to bloody what’s the purpose of this self defying dialogue?
* Hmmm...n agar mera kuch ‘bigaada nahi’ to abhi tak kuch sawaara bhi to nahi...abhi kuch to karo meri jaan...
Oye, aisa mein nahi...ranjeet-types log keh sakte hain na...to phir...another fuddu dialogue gone down the drain!
5. “Mauuusi ji....mein neeche aa raha hoon mausi ji...duniya waaloon mein koodne ja raha hoon... marne ja raha haon mausi ji....”
Now please don’t ask me ‘yen key yen keen bola' kinky then I’ll ask u ‘tumhaara naam kya hain Basanti”...
These are like ultimate in drama yaar...
Marne ka mood na bhi ho...The moment u stretch that word ‘mauuusi jiiii’...somehow mood ban jaata hain yaar....
6. “Cognac sharaab nahi hote”....
“And sharaab nahi peene chahiye, maloom kyon...kyonki sharaab peene se lever kharaab ho jaata hain...”
Oho...Sridevi oozing with sex appeal, agar oomph kar ke bole cognac sharaab nahi hote...any man worth his mettle would not dare to disagree....So dearies, you just need to say it as coyly and seductively n get away with another tequila shot or a vodka peg!
And when dearly beloved ko check karna ho...So give him the ‘lever kharaab hota hain’ bull shit of Amitabh Bachchan...haaiyn!
7. “Bade bade shehron mein aise chote chote baatein to jaate hain senorita...
Rahul...naam to suna hoga”
Suruchi...naam to suna hoga....acha nahi suna...phitte mooh, ke kitta phir itne din is planet pe...chal oye koi gal nahi... let’s try this....
My name is Arora....Suruchi Arora....
Bhak saala...naam bhi James Bondish nahi hain yaar....
Par chalo...abhi tak nahi suna to kya hua...abhi sun liya na...abhi yaad rakhne ka...warna ek kaan ke neeche bajake deneka...
8. “NAHIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN...in tak pahunchne ke liye tumhe mere laash par se guzarna padega....”
Kya drama hain yaar yeh....tumhaare body na hue...municipality ka pull ho gaya which you have to cross to reach to the other side...
Last time I marooed this dumb nut of a comment to my hubby’s friend...you know what he said....acha theek hain phir...leet jao tum mein guzarta hoon tumhaare upar se with a devilish glint in his eyes..................................................................
Needless to say I am now more meticulous in choosing kissko allow karna hain mere laash par se guzarne ko...after all corpses also have some standards yaar...no thoroughfare this is!
8. “Khush to tum bahuuuuut hoge aaj”
Waah waah...when someone makes good food woh kehte hain na “man karta hain banana waale ke haath choom loon...”
Too bad you can’t say the same thing, when someone says a good dialogue...Abe kya choomoge...bolne waale ke hooth?
Anyways, Suruchi...don’t digress....What I mean is it’s a beautiful dialogue...keep it on your finger tips guys...kabhi bhi kisse ko bhi bajake maaro yeh line...saala kabhi doobara khush hone ke galti nahi karta...or depending upon how pathetic is your situation...ROFLMAO bhi ho sakta hain....user’s discretion solicited....
Waise the same flick may be gave us another all time favourite...
“Mere pass bangala hain, gaddi hain, naukar chaakar hain...tumhaare pass kya hain?
Mere pass ma hain...maaaaaaaa....”
This one was best interpreted when I phenkoed it to my brother who has my genes and hence equally prone to doing drama at the drop of the hat....
Me: Mere pass bangala hain, gaddi hain, naukar chaakar hain...
Bro: Mere pass bhi bangala hain, gaddi hain, naukar chaakar bhi hain
Me: Abe...to saala apne ma kisske pass hain....hehe....
9. “Shaanth ho ja gada dhaari bheem...shaanth”
This one’s so cute...kisse ko bhi shaant karna ho...Aiyla bole to supaari wupaari nahi yaar...shaant temperament karne ka...
Use this cutie pie of a dialogue...bound to bring in smiles....
10. “Hey bhagwaan, mein loot gaye, mein barbaad ho gaye...”
Lo, one point that I have discovered in this dialogue-giri session...yaar bhagwaan bahut popular hain writer log mein...jab dekho kisse bhi situation mein unko koi na koi bula ke ya tapka ke rehta hain...Poor God ji...no rest, all day working at the beck n call of someone who says bhagwaan, mujhe utha lo...or mujhe bhagwaan ke liye chodh do or then again...bhagwaan, mein loot gaye n bardbaad ho gaye...
High time God ji u say back “to yaar ab mein kya karon is mein...maza sab tum log looto n baat baat pe mere ko poke kar ke bulaao....
Kya socha tha...bhagwaan khush hoga...shaabaashi dega....Bahuuuuuuuuuuut nainsaafi hain...thai, thai, thai...soowar ke bachchon....!”
30 October, 2009
How to keep the husband hooked n booked?
-THE ESSENTIAL COMMANDMENTS...
Little everyday efforts which every woman should practise...and please it doesn’t make us drubbed or less feminist:
1. Wake him up each day with a gentle pat on the cheek and a hush mush voice, coming close and resting your cheek on his...make sure this does not become a startling act instead...just a tender ‘wake up to me honey’ kinda thing.
2. Follow it up with a kiss on the cheek and a hug...just as his eyes have opened up...it is always soothing to feel you are waking up to a dream come true and also always hug, snuggle and kiss good night...sleeping into a dream!
3. Make sure he gets his meals as soon as he comes on the dining table or on time...the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach...but then only when it is empty and not stretched!
4. Keep his cupboards neat and things easily accessible. Don’t tamper with his things without asking...
5. Cook food or contrive anything reasonably edible even if he wakes you up at 4 am (yes, in the morning) for it.
6. It makes you no less modern if you press his feet once in a while after a tiring day or give him a hot oil head massage...and watch how eagerly the favours are returned...you’d be surprised to find that men love it if their shoes and socks are removed lovingly by you once in a while.
7. Drop all chores and greet him with a smile and a hug when he returns back from work...and follow it up with a glass of water...that’s the least by the way...I am leaving room for innovation n improvisation here.
8. Stand by him if he’s been slighted or ignored, especially by family members or relatives from your side.
9. Always ask your man’s choice before picking up clothes for yourself and try to follow mostly what he suggests. Makes him feel that you value his opinion! If his own choice sucks...give him option between the two things that you most like in the shop and any one of them, if picked, would do just as well!
10. When he is talking to you...lend him your ears (and the rest of the body too) completely and show no distractions...Nothing interests a man than a woman who’s interested in him...ok, correction...a “hot” woman who’s interested in him!
11. Once in a while, cancel outing programmes when he’s not in the mood or tag along even if disinterested, when he’s all for a party....kuch paane ke liye kuch khona padta hain...kabhi kabhi hansne ke liye thoda rona padta hain!
12. Keep his hot water bucket ready and covered with a sill before he gets into the loo for a shower...refurnish his toothbrush, toothpaste, his shaving blades, etc before he’d have to ask you for it. Heck, I even used to keep his entire clothes from the UG’s to the sparkling shoes ready and laid out on the bed before he got out of the bathroom.
13. If he goes to work unwell, call up a couple of times to ensure he’s ok or send in a medicine...stay up with him if he can’t sleep...a cuddle here works wonders.
14. Be the one to initiate a kiss and make up...saying sorry never hurts anyone....we can’t compete with men’s ego anyways!
15. Take the enterprise to dress with just as much bother when going out alone with him...as you do when going out with couple friends.
16. Laugh at his jokes and with him...go up to him if he’s standing alone at a party or getting bored, even of it means leaving your own gang...
17. Avoid blame games and angry outbursts and the phrase “I told you so...” Keep the explaining for later when you both are quieter.
18. Give him space...for boys night out, for watching television late night or being on the internet once in a while, for wanting to be alone, for choosing the clothes he wants to wear, etc.
19. Make him feel it is ok with you if he communicates with female friends...in fact share his interests in the opposite sex by being casual about it, encouraging him to feel free to share things with you.
20. Remember the tasks he asked you to carry out before leaving for work or make a note of them...get his medicine, sew the button, keep the evening shirt ironed, call up the sick relative, get the fused tube light changed, or the spider webs from the bathroom window removed, etc. Get it done without reminders!
These are sure shot winners, come on gals add that zing and dash of romance:
1. Remember dates and days that matter to him...and make them special and memorable...like the day he grabbed a big contract or deal, calls for a pastry n candle waiting on his return that says “You are a genius”
2. His birthdays should be flooded with special gestures- give him as many knick knacks as gifts as the age he is stepping into...a surprise party...candle lit your room...make him a king for the day!
3. Hold hands sometimes in public like while watching a movie in a theatre or playing footsy from under the table.
4. Form your own codes to be able to send across a message even in a crowd...like touching the nose means wanna hug you, pulling ears stands for a much needed kiss....and so on!
5. Occasionally put little notes in his travelling bag, in office pouch or in his cupboard to remind him of you always.
6. Have your own song that reminds you of each other whenever it’s played anywhere...create a love poem for him with mad personal touches of course and yup keep the language simple...you are not writing for Shakespeare, gals!
7. Put photographs of your holidays or just the two of you together in the room...on the walls or in frames on shelves around...nope, you are not giving him an overdose of you...you remind him every now and then that his life with you is beautiful.
8. Text personal mobile love messages just like that and send them each day, till it becomes a ‘looking forward to’ habit...make the message sexy to double the impact...men go dumb n numb under the influence of seductive provocation, even if it’s just in words!
9. A nice body massage if done properly can ignite many a flame...introduce more physical variety to spice up lives...and throw the head-ache woes out of the window...Take a spa treatment together or gift him one...showers together always do more than just double cleaning!
10. Buy new lingerie every now and then...there’s nothing as exciting for him to hear you say mischievously... ‘you get into bed and I’ll be back in a minute’ ...and then come back n how;)
11. Tuck him in bed and under the sheets every night...make him cosy howsoever he may desire it....and by how so ever...I hope so ever that you get my point
12. Say ‘I love you’ everyday and in every possible way...like in the fog clad night, written with your fingers on the glass of the car...or after a hot bath on the steam masked mirror...on the sand or with bamboo sticks laid out on the beach...with diyas saying it adorning the floor when he walks in for a surprise.
13. Go for walks or long drives just like that...create a CD of all his favourite songs and put that on or update his I-pod...have morning tea or after dinner walk together...form rituals and be around at the times when he is mostly alone...fill up his voids.
14. Plan a boys night out for him that’s a surprise...do all the bookings and maybe once in a blue moon make it an all expenses paid outing...you would have a rent in your pocket but never in your heart
15. Keep buying gifts of no reason or occasion for him every now and then....like a shirt when you go shopping for yourself, or a take away burger when you went for your gals only brunch!
16. It makes a man so proud when the girl on his arm shows him a hot chick that he must check out before she gets out of the domain. He’d just be looking at her with you, instead of looking for excuses to send you in the shops and then ogle. I do that all the time...sometimes we even discuss the assets and their worth and have a good laugh over it.
17. Share his past...make him talk about his school days, college gigs, girlfriends n crushes, memorable moments...gently persist of he resists and not forcefully demand...and please don’t hold on to the past...learn to accept it and move on.
18. Take him out for a date dinner some night...He does not need to take his wallet because this one’s on you...drive him there, keep a mini bar ready in the car (means two glasses, an ice bucket a packet of chips and the drinks...see not much!) and push back his seat and let him relax...make sure to stop the car in a deserted place for some sweet “mouth” savouries every now and then!
19. Learn to pack his suitcase for his journeys and make the effort to ensure his comfort like put newspapers in the shirts so that they don’t crinkle, a mini medical kit, extra polythenes to put in used clothes, etc.
20. You must give him a hang of close...real close dancing at least once through a dancing out night...it should be his moment there with you when you make him unaware of people, noise or other hot chicks around coz you are stupendously n teasingly close yet not really “in”.
What every woman should know...and remember too for these are the basics...The ABC...I know you know, but a reminder never hurts...
1. Respect his parents.
2. Appreciate his efforts n shower compliments regularly.
3. Keep his home and home atmosphere neat and pleasant.
4. Share his hassles and encourage his interests.
5. Control your anger and never shout at him.
6. Adapt to his friends...at least sometimes if not always.
7. Cook what he likes occasionally.
8. Look presentable when you go out, if not a head turner.
9. Learn to trace his mood and act accordingly.
10. Give him company and time.
11. Don’t nag, complain or crib all the time.
12. Don’t start off with in-laws woes as soon as he enters home.
13. Don’t go on n on about your own parents and family.
14. Don’t compare him with anyone, even to educate him.
15. Don’t underestimate the power of physical intimacy.
16. Never laugh at him publically or check him always on his actions.
17. Never criticize a gift given by him.
18. Money doesn’t count all the time...don’t scrutinize or post-mortem all his spending.
19. Be yourself!
20. Keep the romance alive, be his support and strength and by his side always.
Happy hubby humping!
22 October, 2009
You asked me to write something for you and I smiled...
Not just expressed in the uplifting corners of my mouth,
But also a springing or a bounce within...
An outcome of eternal bliss that you give to me,
By everything you say and the little-little things you do everyday...
Nobody has asked me ever to write something for them...
Well, nobody has ever done or said so many things to me
That you do and say...
It’s as though together we sublime...
It’s as though with full right you demand something that’s yours
And with full peace, I provide you something that’s no longer mine!
What do you write for someone who is in you and a part of your fabric?
Would not that be like writing about my own self?
For once I was just I,
When you were just you...
But now something else is true...
Now the boundaries have faded...
Our mingling has jaded,
Any sense of my existence without you!
Being with you, brings a losing of the sense of
Time, space, relativity and individuality!
It’s like a whole less ‘me’
And a whole more ‘we’!
With you around I feel snug and protected in an unnamed aura that would never leave my side...
With you all other voices become noises...
All other matters become immaterial...
All other dreams become an illusion...
The way you spin my reality in totality!
When you just smile and say ‘Good Morning’
It brings a blood pumping start to an otherwise mundane day!
Or when you stretch out and kiss my forehead
Or tuck me in the blanket before we go to bed!
Whether you are corny or horny, dumb or numb,
Reeling or revealing, wit personified or philosophical, sane or insane...
You are one of a kind! You truly are a find!
You are a mystery, a charm, an enticing and mad experience that I am so glad I have gone through...
Living with you each day...yet each day is like the start of a new phase...
You are tender and mild...and yet strong and wild!
You are like the gentle rain when I need to be soothed...
You are like the piercing rays when I need to be guided...
You are the unfolding tree when I need shelter...
You are the sturdy earth when my feet falter...
You are like the sweet song that I want always to be serenaded...
You are like the thirst quenching water that is deeply embedded!
Sometimes I wonder...
Is it actually possible for someone to love another so much...Is it really true that you are so blinded to my faults that you only see perfection?
Are you for real or a bad joke that fate is playing on me...comforting me with false sense of possession and self belief...of what you are and what I can’t be!
Is this for real or would I be pinched soon,
Facing broken hopes and loneliness, haunted by memories of our times so dear?
Love brings peace and love brings fear.
With you I comprehend the import of what were just words for me...
You are the first and you’d be the last...
You are the reason why I am here
And the deciding factor of how I may depart...!
With all that’s mine,
20 October, 2009
P.S. (yup...Post Script in the beginning coz I am different and this is no ordinary post...It’s an attempt go where no man has gone before...although I am sure there’s no SUCH place where a man hasn’t pushed or shoved his way and gone!). My post “Who’s done it?” got me so tempted to also enumerate my insane and abundant experiences with the farting basics and traumas!
Yup and if you were duh enough to be left wondering in there...you can stop rubbing your eyes now, scratching your head and re-reading the passages to try to guess what the bloody f@#$ I was talking about in that post...it’s all about farting and no denying that it’s a fart prone world that we live in!
Considering this is the most widely prevalent, global phenomenon, more in our face literally than global warming or population...because everyone from the Blacks to the Whites, virgins to voyeurs, saints to sinners, kings to beggars do it...most regularly and usually similarly, we do need a guideline to be able to easily and non-messily trod this turf!
KNOW YOUR FARTS:
The Silent Ass...Assault:
(When you ‘feel’ and sense it, look around dubiously but don’t see or hear it and are left wondering about its point of origin! He goes about doing his job so with such subtlety that he's a genius in his own right)
The Thundering Applauder:
(When you hear it and it blocks your nose as well as ears almost forcing from you a standing ovation, bole to stand up and run, dude!)
The Machine-gun Firing:
(It’s like the Diwali Seiko bomb thread...guaranteed to go on and on, one after another...pat, pat, pat till all ammunition of the body changes state and pollutes the bloody environment)
The Clarion Announcement:
(It’s long and bhopu waala baaja types...very disharmonious...at least make it sound better if not smell...It goes like the out of tune shehnai....poooooooooooooooo)
(This one provides a view along with sound effects...why should the eyes as senses be left behind? The brightness of yellow, gold, mustard and other bhai behens of this family’s hues, make their presence felt by sticking conspicuously to the clothes...ab bolke dikhao Ariel waalon ke... ‘Daag ache hain!’)
The Constipated Delivery:
(Comes like an explosive thud of a ‘climax’ after repeated pushes like the sounds from the delivery room of a pregnant woman...a hesitant delivery after balanced constraining of every muscle in the body, filled with nervous anxiety whether along with gaseous state of things...liquids and solids might not surface too)
The Tell-all of what you ate:
(Hmm...prepare to test the distinguishing abilities of your poor nose...for on the platter would be an amalgamation of multi-cuisines and you just have to close your eyes and whiff...Waise, the guess game helps in diverting the mind from the stench)
The Spluttering Release:
(This one is like an old scooter...you press the...aa...whatever and it sputters a sound...but then you have to apply force again and it goes vroom and breaks, vroom and breaks..you feel now it would kick start...but no, it goes through many whims and sounds before speeding out almost in a burst)
The Sigh! Sigh! Emission:
(This one’s not for the world for only the suffering heart knows the pain it bears...it’s the situation when you’ve been released and you are unaware...or the predicament when you sigh and wish it was you who caused the emission but fate would have it otherwise and make you grin and bear/bare.)
The Oh-what-a-relief Liberation:
(This is like the virtual life...when you go in a make belief world that you have been liberated...and the relief glows from trouser to trouser...oops ear to ear...and you say “Dear lord..thank god I’ve come” I hope no puns have been taken!)
HOW TO TRACE THE SYMPTOMS BEFORE DISASTER STRIKES?
When the thundering explosion announces its arrival...I am afraid my friend...there’s just no hope or scope!
But when there’s no sound but loads of scattering action, there are early indications of the calamity so you can run for shelter:
Like when you see someone lift one circle of their butt just a wee bit to make space between their lower ‘partition’ and the seat that holds them...A keen observer would easily notice the facial expressions getting taut and soon released and the ‘someone’ looking here and there sheepishly...Be ready, then my friend, to get your nose assaulted...so learn to pick the culprit instead of clipping the nose later. If at first go you can’t crack the mystery, don’t fret...practice makes perfect...life gives plenty of opportunities for this one!
THE BLAME GAME:
More people are guilty of this kind of explosive and then the blaming assault on innocent specimens of their species than all the homicide action combined. They may not have gone on any stage but their performance of innocence and ignorance after their emission is Oscar worthy.
Some choose to rest the blame on the fellows around being the first to ask...who’s done it? Still others would shoot out their own discomfort and in a hurry leave the crime scene before its fragrance scatters...much common spot hopping behaviour in parties can be attributed to this urgency. Some like my beloved while driving back home after a sumptuous dinner, would suddenly open the window of the car...although I tell him “Honey, my nostrils are used to of this fragrance...just pull up the window before I catch the cold”. Talking about shit and shitty stuff is his favourite preoccupation, though he prefers to call it ‘pokis’ and now half the mankind on my side of the planet terms it so!
Also worthy of a mention here is a sweet old lady of my acquaintance, may god rest her soul...who had this beautiful little habit of calling over guests at home...and just as they’d sit around the dining table to gorge...she would start of her loud explosions, stopping those spoons at the edge of our lips and forbidding them from going in till the dust kinda settled!
I want to say more, you know my habit...I can go on and on n on...A dear friend describes me as the gal who can write ten pages of how she spent the last five minutes on earth...I can offer homeopathic, spiritual, yogic, psychological, mental but not so detrimental solutions and more...but I would spare you guys and allow you to rest those facial muscles that have been scrunching the nose as well as giving a broad grin as they are reading this...Plus it’s been a long post and long time since you raised that cute butt for nature’s call...
Before you victimize those around you with crimes mentioned above...rush my friend rush...I’d be around when your return!
Happy shitting guys-and "spread" the message;)!