29 November, 2009
Hi! Let me share with you my dearies the story of how I landed up where I am today...Alrity, hold those horses...I am not recounting any horny, cheesy, porny story of how I got on “top” of things...
I would like to share with you how many frogs I had to kiss before I could land on my prince charming...indeed again, without any kisses or doing so literally!
As soon as I had entered my athaarva saawan...bole to I had barely bidden good bye to my teens that my parents created a huge circus around me. I was yet to decipher what I had done to generate such a furore, and simply watched with dazed eyes how virtually a boy- finding establishment cropped up around me....flourishing and seething with activity as though it had been under operation from years. Hmm...Maybe like when I was born, the foundation of this co-operative society had been laid...I call it a co-operative because the motto was “Saathi haath badhana...ek akela thak jaayega, mil kar ladke chaatna...”
So every day and everywhere I went...I felt like a Thai sex doll on display, not because I was flaunting my body parts, but because of the curiosity I was breeding. People would scrutinize me from head to toe...ask me what I was doing...or what were my interests...or what had I thought of my future...and I smiled through this Punjabi torture of their mental maths of balancing my equation with any ‘changa munda’ they knew of.
Hey now that I think of it...not bad yaar...I must have been like the most eligible spinster of my town because practically everyone I knew was on a task of finding me a groom.
So after much grinding, elimination, horoscope matching, family investigation, discussion committee proposals (told u it is a bloody full blown set up of the highest order) I would be “shown” to the guy in question.
Scene 1-My virgin experience:
I was taken to Delhi because my papa ke mama ke bahu ke chacha ke saale ka ladka seems to have fit the bill. Phew! Thank god I didn’t get married there...I would have had to learn that relationship string to recite it with professional accuracy every time, to appear how blissfully glad I were about it! Anyways, he and his sister were flying down from Mumbai for a day...just for me! Whoa...thank you for adding the pressures on the already scared to death nineteen year old “kuan ke maindhak”...that was me! Just fresh out of school and up on display in the nuptials domain...with no clue really about anything!
A new salwaar-suit I wore...which was supposed to be decent and nice, bought from a big store of my not so big-small town. Rushed to Delhi...bathed, powdered a bit, my hair combed for the umpteenth time and me told to smile n look down in shyness for bloody umpteenth to the power of 100 times. Meeting point: The Le Meridian- a five star hotel of the capital...target area: the coffee shop!
And after a wait of about half an hour...fashionably late I guess (the boy shouldn’t seem to eager n desperate...@!#$$%) we watched with baited breathe as a five feet five inches something walked in with a five feet seven inches something. The 5.5er was the boy in question...Didn’t you guys tell this “god’s gift to women” (I swear as he trotted with his plump legs forward and I could hear this tag with each bloody step he took towards us) that I am 5 feet 5 inches myself? He was short, plump...okies pleasantly plump...cause so was moi...and superbly obnoxious with his attitude of a Mumbai-ite looking for a simple homely small towner....
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh...why didn’t I scream then...I am still wondering n so doing it here n now!
So we settled in and the formalities passed around. I saw my parents fawning for the first time ever and the guests basking in that glory. The sister, straight out of a page 3 circuit...I must say was extremely pleasant, sophisticated and demure.... ‘Where did she pick up her repellent brother from?’ Was a thought I was so tempted to ask but thank god for prudence and timely silence...
The menu cards were handed down and I could hear the “order something betaji” being crooned from all corners by my parents n maamas and the mediators to our venerable guests...
“Aunty ji” said the pear lump...oops sorry the pear shaped boy... “Do you mind if I take Suruchi for a walk and maybe we get to talk a little?”
“Of course not beta ji...you must know each other better. But first please have something...errr...coffee, tea or maybe some drink-shrink?” My mom here trying to gauge if the munda has any “bad” habits...Does he drink, smoke or womanize would all be fathomed by his next answer? “No aunty ji...I don’t take drinks regularly and definitely not in the afternoons...I’d order a cappuccino”
Phew! Thank god the boy’s side didn’t hear the loud sighs of relief from my camp or realize that he had already passed one litmus test that should take him to the next level of suitability...never mind if he looked like he’s not slept since he was born. So we peeped into the menu card...for I had yet to discover what the fuck was a cappuccino...I was hoping it would have something to do with Chinese food...coz at 19 Maggie n Chinese were my dream come true...I guess often they still are!
Bloody Rs. 350 for a cup of coffee...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This cappuccino must be like elixir and it better taste as one coz I heard my mom blurting... “Alright then...waiter...cappuccinos for everyone...” Helloooo mom...I want a cold coffee with dollops of ice cream, dripping with smooth chocolate sauce n loads of nuts, garnished my wafer and chocolate bits that I can savour with a lick of my lips and some orgasmic pleasure on one side of the table....
But mums can be pretty unreasonable at times...and this was one of those golden moments when I knew I better not open my mouth to make my ‘outstanding’ suggestions.
The cappuccinos arrived just in time to rescue us from a long recital of how he was making millions maybe with every move he made...not on the tread mill of course...!
Hmmm...The smug reactions of my camp...could almost see a thought bubble over their heads that said “Hamare beti to yahan raaj karege!” Another thought bubble over the boy’s head that said, “Oh I am so smart...oh I am so sexy...oh I am so super-duper good...n oh, oh...” Would someone give me a needle to prick some of his bubbles coz they were reproducing by the minute!
The cappuccino as expected tasted bitter and horrible...why torture your system with something so distasteful...yup, I am still talking of the coffee n not the guy! And we were finally told to walk about the lobby and check out the shops...yippieeeeeee....would he make me shop...hehe...high hopes we all have when we are 19!
And so we walked and talked!
To think I made him ‘move’ his legs for a change...he should have fallen down on his knees and thanked his lucky stars for me!
And then began a volley of bizarre questions...
I was briefed earlier about the agenda and my modus operandi at such a crucial juncture....
“Talk less...just answer....don’t ask too many questions...and smile”
So I guess I did all the above four steps at the same time and looked like a jack ass of the highest order!
I smiled non stop...hey I couldn’t help it really...the guy was actually funny...ROFLMAO funny yaar!
I answered mostly in mono syllables, didn’t ask him much...not that he shut his gap for a reasonable amount of time to allow me to do that! I remember however something insane he asked me....
“Hey, have you watched this latest movie...errr....English movie...I don’t watch Hindi movies, you see- ‘Austin Powers, the spy who shagged me’? So what do you think about it?”
Hmm...A million dollar question that was...It was to seal my fate with this guy...it would tell how happening or otherwise I was...it was to tell what my views were on the “shagging” bit and despite my limited knowledge...I knew “shag” was not such a good word...
So I thought and thought n thought n said...
“No I haven’t...what do you think about it?” Pretty safe I thought...put the balls in his court...heavens knew he needed some!
And there began another round of “blah, blah, blah n me, me, and me” till he finally suggested...“Let’s go back to the coffee shop...they must be wondering.” I gave him a smile that almost screamed, “I thought you would never ask!”
Ya, ‘wondering’ if I am still alive or choked to death by the moron with curly hair...on his head of course...small squintish eyes...ugly teeth and bloated with himself like a fluffed winged pigeon!
Also wondering if he decided to take me to a hotel room instead to check me out even better;)
I returned back to sanity and final pleasantries were exchanged and good bye time came about...My father paid several crisp thousand rupee notes and we all extended the plastic smiles to their full bloom one last time before we’d all get out of one another’s sight and relax those over-taxed jaws. “We’ll let you know aunty ji over the phone as soon as I reach home and ask Munna about this” said the sissy...not the boy yaar...the boy was munna or monu or baba...whateverrrrrrrr...it was his sister who spoke before they whisked past in their Mercedes!
Precisely four hours later the phone rang...imagine the scene like they show in the Hindi movies...a child has been kidnapped and the kidnappers are going to call to tell about the ransom and the meeting spot...So everyone in the room is in nervous anticipation...you could almost see some beads of sweat trickling down...the ring brings in a close up of each face with a dramatic background sound...as one man rises with suspense to pick up the receiver...and slowly says “hello”...hehe...aisa he kuch hua tab bhi!
And I was rejected!
I didn’t laugh then, so I am kinda making up for it now...
And the cherry on the cake...
His reasons for citing the refusal....
“She’s too simple and shy, doesn’t talk much, just smiles and didn’t even ask me anything....”
Bloody hell....so much for my trustworthy counsellors misguiding me....actually thank god for them...bless you guys! Well done!
So we packed our boriya bistar and headed back home!
I failed in my virginal attempt...I wanted to tell my parents that it’s ok...I am just one boy down...hehe...not how you think...god bless your dirty mind too...but then like always... I just shut up and enjoyed the moment of me having escaped the idea of having to live with the pear lump....I hope you are happy somewhere and flourishing even more...one last nice word for you coz I have been kinda mean here with you: I miss your millions darling but not you...!
(P.S. For more updates on my dear frogs....watch this space for a sequel....this post has run too long!)
14 November, 2009
(The subject matter here has adulterous content...viewer’s discretion is solicited...Yup, we know that the author is also an English teacher...but please bear in my mind this does not raise a finger at her teaching n imparting skills or put her own grey matter into dubious slotting. This perhaps would be one of her many alter egos at work...or rather at play! Please note: this was not what she was telling her students while explaining the actual meaning of proverbs...this was what was silently going on in her own devilish mind while they slogged on the path of her enlightment!)
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy:
Unless the work or kaam is like kaama (sutra) and the ‘fore’ is attached to ‘play’... be sure Jack would never have a dull day!
Every dog has his day:
And considering the fact that it’s said all men are dogs...there can only be one way to make him ‘have’ or ‘eat’ his day and way...give him a mouthful and.....wait for life to not act like a bitch and give you one too...your day that is! Waise did you hear that one...just when you realize that life is a bitch...she also gives you puppies!
First come, first served:
But if the service is poor at the virginal attempt...can we “come” again?;)
All’s well that ends well:
Yup, when you reach the mind blasting climax then all anti climatic journeys are forgotten!
An idle brain is the devil’s workshop:
And then an idle body? –the devil’s “go-down”...
Once bitten, twice shy:
Hmm...this one’s weird...coz once you get the taste of a love bite...mmmm...my oh my...just screw being shy!
A bird in hand is worth two in a bush:
Makes sense...the two in the bush would already be super engrossed n indulged, at least the “chick” “in hand” sounds more use-able;)
A stitch in time saves nine:
But just imagine if the right stitch fell apart at the right moment from the right place of the right voluptuous body...it would buy her guaranteed nine..................followers wanting an encore!
So some stitches should not be saved but left alone to be unravelled!
A fool and his money are soon parted:
Should be and could be...though one question...parting money seems technically possible, but how do you part a fool in two...ouch, that must hurt!
As you sow, so shall you reap:
Ya, screw a Negro and don’t expect a white child!
God helps those who help themselves:
So there’s hope for all those who are helping themselves...there is a god and someone, somewhere is made for you...to screw too!
Absence makes the heart go fonder:
Ya right again...fonder of the gal next door for sure!
A thing well begun is half done:
Ahem, ahem...begun to theek hain...but don’t leave it half done yaar...’well’ or no well...mission should be accomplished...killa ko fateh karna zaroor...otherwise that should hurt again!
Beggars must not be choosers:
Oh ya, when you are begging...you don’t dare to choose...just grab...kya pata kal woh bhi ho na ho!
Actions speak louder than words:
But I guess exceptions exist...when you hear their “yes, yes, yes” louder than the banging action at the next door!
Necessity is the mother of invention:
Makes you wonder whom ‘necessity’ screwed to end up with something so new as invention...should we ask the ‘father’ of the nation? But then they confuse again by saying familiarity breeds contempt...would words please stop f***ing themselves and our directions?
A drowning man will catch at the straw:
Well...wtf would he do with the straw now if he is already indulging and drowning in pleasure...suck the liquid out of his surroundings to save himself? For once please don’t intend the pun here!
Rather let him gobble hic and gulp it all down!
Barking dogs seldom bite:
Means never trust someone who makes tall claims to fame in the sack of course...try, test and then seal it...not literally! Instead of a bite, they might just generally purr or lick and be done before the kick!
Do not put all your eggs in one basket:
Why put your eggs in the basket in the first place? Let them reach out to where they truly belong...to those wriggly wobbly thingies and create life again!
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise:
And also makes his wife run away with other guys...
So he is left alone to screw his health, wealth and wisdom!
Easier said than done:
I guess they are talking of the 69th commandment!
Empty vessels make the most sound:
Acha? I thought it was my horny boy next door...with his gals galore! Anyways, next time don’t do it in a vessel or keep the mouth appropriately shut!
Example is better than precept:
Sometimes practical risks go a long way in bringing home the subject than just ogling at it!
Great minds think alike:
Take them to bed and there’d be no thinking at all...great minds do alike too!
If the mountain will not go to Mohammad, Mohammad must go to the mountain:
Well, how does it matter who goes to whom, as long as we all “come”!
If wishes were horses, beggars might ride:
Hadh hain...if wishes were horses, beggars would still just wanna ride???????????? Come on, come on, and come on...hey I am just suggesting a phrase they use on the horse while riding it!
When in Rome do as the Romans do:
Just do it, do it to me baby, do and done, been there done that...whatever...never harms to do it in their way...but show us the way first ;)
It’s no use crying over spilt milk:
Yup, better to clean up the spilt stuff and leave no trace of it ever done! And if you need to shed anything honey...let them be tears of joy and shedding of inhibitions! Use the spilt make to conjure up something nutritious...arrey baba, this is seriously just a health tip-no puns intended!
Jack of all trades master of none:
Well, well did anyone ever tell you that an all trader is a first grader with women...what would you do with being a master of a nun anyways?
Uff...this was my crappiest best!
Sorry for wasting your time on this one...
Off on a mini vacation...would rejuvenate, experiment, indulge...in thoughts of course and return with more....sense hopefully!
08 November, 2009
Face book has brought about a revolution of kinds, as it provides to a user a plethora of opportunities for his physical, moral, emotional and spiritual development...
Acha zyaada ho gaya....
No development really but then loads of fun!
So anybody who is a ‘somebody’ must be on Face book!
It’s a child’s play to sign and log in, so you can get there...but like you get into the world easily but from there onwards, you’ve got to prove your worth...same is the case here! And once you from a part of a clan, there comes the need to classify and justify your existence! This post is in reference to a CNN article that I brushed through, thanks to a dear friend and he asked me for my take! Hence this sarcastic view of this social networking site, that I am an avid fan of!
(A)THE ADDICTED FACE BOOKER:
This qualifies to be tackled first because being on Fb and being addicted is almost synonymous. This category it seems was virtually born on the net and their parents may have been some kind of world web virus...for these folks are always online at any moment of time in the day! However for complete comprehension, we would have to break down the trunk into many branches extending further. You may have one or an amalgamation of almost all these variations.
THE STATUS UPDATER:
These specimens update status every two hours or even before, if enough mileage has been extracted already. So you know if they’ve brushed their teeth, taken a shower, caught on to the elevator or taken the stairs. They reach office at what time or if they are stuck in the jam...or if they are looking at the walls or feeling sleepy....zzzzzzzzz...(Tell me about it!).
It’s a great pleasure to take a peek into a friend’s life who puts it up wittily enough in this short space...but otherwise it often borders onto the territory of spam.
And funnily enough they have a line of equally vella fan following that would jump on the band wagon to comment suitably or just as dumbly on the by-the-minute happenings!
Their status would range from sympathy cries “...is very unhappy...”
To fishing for compliments “...is 99% an angel...” to declaring the news “...says Michael Jackson is dead...” to creating dumb mysteries inviting pokes “...is feeling...” You’ll get lyrics of songs from them to copied messages from mobile networks...some of them are as long as an essay in itself!
This lad or lass has just one aim in life...let my presence be felt on every post appearing on my news feed...let me be in circulation to emphasize my existence...let me drench the world with my wit that must suitably sparkle at all and sundry. So you find a comment by him on everything possible happening on his screen and unfortunately also on yours!
THE REPARTEE EXPERTS:
These move in a step further and create a conversation of sorts on their status updates and posts. One-liners are thrown off as volleys at one another while their rest of the world sits through the string of some 80-100 comments whereby the users exchange from...Hello! How are you? What were you doing just now...to the more sensible assertive like virtually starting up a debate! It’s as though no distance of time or space exists in between and the twosome, threesome and many-somes, who get cosy on the on-screen discussion! Sometimes even world- saving treatise occurs here, so we better silent the mockery horses.
THE PHOTO UPLOADER:
These people are addicted to uploading pictures of all possible positions (ahem! Ahem!), situations and incidental occurrences in their lives. So on display would be...the new hair cut, the visit to the grocery store, the night out, the puke glory of a hangover and the groggy look of the morning there after...The family album that include also Ramu kaka, their pet, the friendly neighbour with a grin or the not so friendly one with anger on the brim. You view not just what they ate during the holiday but also where they took it all out after the bowel movements became unbearable!
THE GAMBLING GAMER:
The mafia wars, the Farmville, the poker mania, the fish aquariums, and the scrabble word games...to think that these specimens have reached their virtual childhood! They bog you with gifts for your farm despite your repeated pleas that you are not a farmer or you are a Gandhi follower in non-violence. Fb notifies you that ‘congratulations, so and so won a round with the help of your mafia sword’....Whoa! When did I send that? But before you rejoice at the prospect of being paid in cash for your assistance, in return another equally insane gift of a mafia nut or screw would pop up on your screen by these game buggers. Hellooooo! This is a communication website...try playing other kind of games here for a change!
THE INFINITE ADDENDUM SENDER:
Hereby you receive a morning cuppa coffee, to a bouquet of daisies, to big bear hugs to kinky accessories to wise sayings to a diamond necklace...anything and everything is available on the shelf to gift and send for no one’s screwing or suing you for lack of actual receptions! You are the virtual king and a millionaire of this make belief world. So don’t be surprised if someone named an island after you or board a helicopter to go looking for it by the map! As if that’s not all...they’d send you the dumbest of quizzes ever...How sexy is your name? How potent is your sex appeal? When will you die? (Waise my result mentioned I would die on 23rd July 2009...so beware I am the friendly neighbourhood ghost at play here) What aura are you? Or even that your friend “bought” you in $100....yup, you can just raise your eyebrow in disdain of how low your worth was gauged or giggle back and buy the friend in just $50!
THE SELF PATRON:
Aaaaaaaah...this guy or gal has the best of reports going for him. The quizzes show...he is 99% loveable...she’s the social butterfly of whom people can’t get enough of...he’s chocolaty dipped sweet...she’s god’s gift to mankind...he’s 85% intelligent and 86% sensitive...
Even their dumb naughty cookies, mirror analysis or Anita’s predictions there proclaim to all and sundry...honey, you attract like a magnet...Is it hot here or is it you? ...You will charm the wit with your infinite beauty...ya, ya, ya...why not?
Hehe...I think they keep clicking onto “publish another” tab till they come across a self promoting backer. They’d let the world know how many hugs, smiles, hearts, love they receive each day...or what a splendid message they have derived from “god”!
If the world should not acknowledge our genius...we might as well force it down their throat!
(B) THE SLY STALKING FACE BOOKER:
This guy would rarely or never appear on your news feed...below his dignity to upload a status or a picture or to let know the 333 friends on his friends list about what’s happening in his life. But meet him at a social do and he’d be the loudest to point out to you in a crowd....
“You are the face book king/queen...always online kya? Aap to chaaye hue hain Face book pe...I daily see updates from you...where do you get time for so much indulgence?” Now WTF...! Will someone please remind this jerk that I take out time just in the same way as he does “daily” to check out what I am up to. He may not be commenting on your activities but mind you he knows it all. He’s the silent lurker...the hidden stalker...and the dumb schmuck who derives some insane pleasure in making you feel how down market you are to be so net addicted...Oh so propah, huh? Whateveeeeer...!
(C) THE ONCE IN A VERY BLUE MOON FACE BOOKER:
Hmm...This variety comes online once in a trillion years as though obliging the lesser mortals with their virtual presence or ensuring that Fb won’t spam their account if they don’t. So if you had sent them a message or post asking even a world-saving query, you receive a reply some light years later that would make you boggle and scratch your hair to try and fathom what in God’s name had you asked in the bloody first place.
(D) THE INBOX FETISH:
This guy wants all communication solely on or through the inbox. He wants to be a part of your life but feels indignant at the idea of the world knowing about it. Makes you wonder sometimes what’s wrong with him or worse what’s so horribly incorrect about you to lead to such a hypothesis. So there just might be a thread of 300-400 messages in your inbox...but whoosh is the word if you try and bring them on your wall!
Other lesser known categories would be:
THE POKER: Keeps poking you every time you open the page...the motive is perhaps to make you retired hurt or succumb to the injuries attained thereby.
THE SOCIAL CAUSES SENDER: He truly believes that he can change the world by assembling enough support to his causes.
THE NOTE MAKER: A writer unleashed or simply a hopeless case of copy and paste...but do take note of him please or he’ll make it a note to notify you always!
THE LINK SENDER: To think his parents were some kind of chains and he wants the world to be connected link by link till it goes yard by yard!
THE PHOTO OF THE DAY/ FRIEND OF THE DAY/ ENEMY OF THE DAY....THE DAY LIVER: This is perhaps what’s called “Ek din ka raja”.
THE BAD GRAMMARIAN BUT REFUSING TO GIVE UP: Phuleezeee spare us the comments where we need to decode what’s supposed to be written in English grammar or English spellings...like: fakt of lyf- r bodys ful of watr bt wen it hurts blud oozes out. n r hearts r ful of blud bt wen it hurts watr kums out frm r eyes!!!! Lyfs 2 hectic
You bet it is...when u need to unscramble all of this!
THE CHEAP-THRILL-ONE-TRACK MINDER: I know that would be me, so the less said here, the better!
THE GROUP JOINER: He’s a fan of everything...from McD’s burger to Gucci shoes...from raste ke chaat to Dilli haat...from the latest song to ‘dude, do you have an extra pen?’...from getting up late in the mornings to partying late at night...the fan clubs galore!
This has gone long enough... and if you are still reading this...Hey can I join your fan club?
But pardon me now fellas...I must stop here to add this as a note on my face book profile (it’s been almost an hour since I did anything up there...they must be wondering if I am still alive!). So I need to update my little world of 250 friends that they must read it along with uploading a suitable picture of me there to lure in some 80-100 comments and bask in its glory eventually....
Who the bloody hell still says I am addicted to Face book?
05 November, 2009
Some dialogues achieve legendary status...
They are repeatedly used and abused to highlight the drama that people and situations are capable of. I have been universally acclaimed as the ‘Drama Queen’, ‘Madam Nautanki’, etc., by my so-called friends and acquaintances and I try all in my powers to maintain and fulfil the expectations...haan jab tak hain jaan lalalalalaaa jaane jahan dramaaa karoongi types!
What is life yaar without a little natakiye spectacle anyways! Like a dear friend of mine asks... ‘Aap kabhi normal bhi rehte hain ya yeh hi aapka so-not-normal self hain?’ Now what do you answer to that! So here are some lines that I love to croon and torture the world with, when I am not taken seriously and these lines ensure that it does not stir the fabric of this recognition status.
1. “Hey bhagwaan....yeh sab sun ne se pehle mujhe utha kyon nahi liya”
This is my eternal favourite. I am guilty of using it almost on a daily basis and before you so much as blink an eye lid I may have improvised it, to rise to the occasion. Romance at short notice is my speciality! Kabhi kabhi some dumb asses maroo retorts back like... “Uthaya nahi kyonki tere ko uthaane ke liye crane bulaana padega” to which I just say “veryyyy funnyyyy” and go about my way!
Like say a photograph in which my dear beloved is cosily posing with a female friend.... “Hey bhagwaan, yeh sab dikhaane se pehle yeh friend ko kyon nahi utha liya”...or someone unflatteringly fails to make a right pass during a chat... “Hey bhagwaan, yeh sab sunwane se pehle aapka laptop kyon nahi conk off ho gaya....”
See practical thinking at its very best. Ab why should I ask bhagwaan to pick ME up only all the time, when I can get away with the actual pain in the ass, with the same pleading?
And ‘hey’ bolte he bhagwaan ji, would actually oblige!
2. "Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hain"
Mere to dil mein hamesha he khayaal aate rehte hain yaar and it’s best not asked kiss kiss tarah ke khayaal coz they are kiss worthy actually...but just not so kissable by all!
Like this is my favourite when I plan to get on to the nerves of my beloved:
Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein khayaal aata hain....
Ya mein aur mere tanhaaye aksar yeh baatein karte hain...
Ke agar abhi aap hote to kaisa hota...
Aap is baat pe mujhe tokte aur mein ushe baat ko nazar andaaz karte....
Aap is baat pe mujh se argue karte, mein us baat pe aapko ignore karte...hehe...
Improvise baby...that’s the name of the game!
3. “Kutte kaminey...tumhare ghar mein ma-bahen nahi hain kya”
And if it’s a gal (thanks to section 377, we now have best of both worlds accessible) it is equally mouth-able to ask: tumhaare ghar mein baap-bhai nahi hain kya...
And if by chance this mother of all dumb query is made to me...I simply retort back...
“Hain na...bas aapke he kami hain...chalta kya?”;)
Arrey kutte kaminey se ek aur yaad aaya:
“Kuttey kamine mein tera khoon pe jaaonga”
Tch, tch...kyon bhai...aap Dracula ho? Itne he pyaas lagi hain to kuch dhang ka peyo na jaa ke...kya khoon-shoon pe rahe ho...Woh to waise he peeto ho saara din, straw laga laga ke...and bheja saath mein chaat ke;)
Aur ‘tumhare’ se ek aur yaad aaya...abhi abhi:
“Mein tumhaare bachche ke ma banane waalen hoon”
What crap yaar...which wife says like that to her husband? Would make even the husband doubt if he lawfully married this girl or is a bastard on his way! This is best used when someone tries to get very comfy with you...just turn around and say... “Agar aap aise he karte rahe to mujhe majboorab sab ko yeh bataana he padega ke mein tumhaare bachche ke ma banana waale hoon”....and hope to dear god that he is not a quick wit to answer back n whoosh...just disappear!
4. “Mujhe chodh do....bhagwaan ke liye mujhe chodh do...mein tumhaare pao padte hoon...meine tumhaara kya bigaada hain?”
Now, now...there are some serious faults with this one, evoking the million dollar question: what the bloody hell was the dialogue writer thinking while coining this one!
* ‘Mujhe chodh do’...matlab it’s ok to hear it as a phrase strung together....but just imagine....haan,haan...just suppose the lady had to write a letter instead asking her to be left alone? Then she must specify that chodh here means leave...otherwise technical locha ho sakta hain na beedu...
* Then ‘bhagwaan ke liye chodhne’ ka kya fayda...He is neither seen nor felt...then leaving oneself for Him makes a rather longish wait for unguaranteed fulfilment...what say?
* N darling agar paon mein giroge to physical contact hoga...physical contact hoga to sexual tension aur badhege...n agar aur badhe to bloody what’s the purpose of this self defying dialogue?
* Hmmm...n agar mera kuch ‘bigaada nahi’ to abhi tak kuch sawaara bhi to nahi...abhi kuch to karo meri jaan...
Oye, aisa mein nahi...ranjeet-types log keh sakte hain na...to phir...another fuddu dialogue gone down the drain!
5. “Mauuusi ji....mein neeche aa raha hoon mausi ji...duniya waaloon mein koodne ja raha hoon... marne ja raha haon mausi ji....”
Now please don’t ask me ‘yen key yen keen bola' kinky then I’ll ask u ‘tumhaara naam kya hain Basanti”...
These are like ultimate in drama yaar...
Marne ka mood na bhi ho...The moment u stretch that word ‘mauuusi jiiii’...somehow mood ban jaata hain yaar....
6. “Cognac sharaab nahi hote”....
“And sharaab nahi peene chahiye, maloom kyon...kyonki sharaab peene se lever kharaab ho jaata hain...”
Oho...Sridevi oozing with sex appeal, agar oomph kar ke bole cognac sharaab nahi hote...any man worth his mettle would not dare to disagree....So dearies, you just need to say it as coyly and seductively n get away with another tequila shot or a vodka peg!
And when dearly beloved ko check karna ho...So give him the ‘lever kharaab hota hain’ bull shit of Amitabh Bachchan...haaiyn!
7. “Bade bade shehron mein aise chote chote baatein to jaate hain senorita...
Rahul...naam to suna hoga”
Suruchi...naam to suna hoga....acha nahi suna...phitte mooh, ke kitta phir itne din is planet pe...chal oye koi gal nahi... let’s try this....
My name is Arora....Suruchi Arora....
Bhak saala...naam bhi James Bondish nahi hain yaar....
Par chalo...abhi tak nahi suna to kya hua...abhi sun liya na...abhi yaad rakhne ka...warna ek kaan ke neeche bajake deneka...
8. “NAHIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN...in tak pahunchne ke liye tumhe mere laash par se guzarna padega....”
Kya drama hain yaar yeh....tumhaare body na hue...municipality ka pull ho gaya which you have to cross to reach to the other side...
Last time I marooed this dumb nut of a comment to my hubby’s friend...you know what he said....acha theek hain phir...leet jao tum mein guzarta hoon tumhaare upar se with a devilish glint in his eyes..................................................................
Needless to say I am now more meticulous in choosing kissko allow karna hain mere laash par se guzarne ko...after all corpses also have some standards yaar...no thoroughfare this is!
8. “Khush to tum bahuuuuut hoge aaj”
Waah waah...when someone makes good food woh kehte hain na “man karta hain banana waale ke haath choom loon...”
Too bad you can’t say the same thing, when someone says a good dialogue...Abe kya choomoge...bolne waale ke hooth?
Anyways, Suruchi...don’t digress....What I mean is it’s a beautiful dialogue...keep it on your finger tips guys...kabhi bhi kisse ko bhi bajake maaro yeh line...saala kabhi doobara khush hone ke galti nahi karta...or depending upon how pathetic is your situation...ROFLMAO bhi ho sakta hain....user’s discretion solicited....
Waise the same flick may be gave us another all time favourite...
“Mere pass bangala hain, gaddi hain, naukar chaakar hain...tumhaare pass kya hain?
Mere pass ma hain...maaaaaaaa....”
This one was best interpreted when I phenkoed it to my brother who has my genes and hence equally prone to doing drama at the drop of the hat....
Me: Mere pass bangala hain, gaddi hain, naukar chaakar hain...
Bro: Mere pass bhi bangala hain, gaddi hain, naukar chaakar bhi hain
Me: Abe...to saala apne ma kisske pass hain....hehe....
9. “Shaanth ho ja gada dhaari bheem...shaanth”
This one’s so cute...kisse ko bhi shaant karna ho...Aiyla bole to supaari wupaari nahi yaar...shaant temperament karne ka...
Use this cutie pie of a dialogue...bound to bring in smiles....
10. “Hey bhagwaan, mein loot gaye, mein barbaad ho gaye...”
Lo, one point that I have discovered in this dialogue-giri session...yaar bhagwaan bahut popular hain writer log mein...jab dekho kisse bhi situation mein unko koi na koi bula ke ya tapka ke rehta hain...Poor God ji...no rest, all day working at the beck n call of someone who says bhagwaan, mujhe utha lo...or mujhe bhagwaan ke liye chodh do or then again...bhagwaan, mein loot gaye n bardbaad ho gaye...
High time God ji u say back “to yaar ab mein kya karon is mein...maza sab tum log looto n baat baat pe mere ko poke kar ke bulaao....
Kya socha tha...bhagwaan khush hoga...shaabaashi dega....Bahuuuuuuuuuuut nainsaafi hain...thai, thai, thai...soowar ke bachchon....!”